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25 August 2004 @ 12:12 am
The Roses: Take Two!  
More witty delights from Ryan *Tubridy* (not Turbridy; dammit I knew I should have read the TV guide first!).

CORK

CORK: …When I met my boyfriend I wasn’t wearing my contacts…
TUBRIDY: Do you know how bad that sounds for him?!
CORK:…And all the Roses went for a posh lunch.
TUBRIDY: Huh. I was sent to McDonalds.

‘Summer Loving’ is in Grease, not West Side Story.

I hate the way she pronounced ‘wasp’. There isn’t three ‘a’s in the word, dearie. Nor is there seventy thousand syllables.

SOUTH AUSTRALIA

DAD: She’s old. She’s solid. She looks like a concrete block!
ME: She’s wearing a wedding dress!

As you can tell we are truly kind, sympathetic people.

Mind you, I can emphasise with the accent dilemma. Mine’s the other way around - Australian overriden by Irish bog, but people still ask me if I’m from England. (How much sense that does make.)

DARWIN

Why did he keep making them say things in an Irish accent? You want to sound like a bogger, yeah? The psychiatric ward is first on your left, okay, and mind the fake palm.

Quote of the Day: ‘Every creature that can kill you we have.’ Should be Australia’s motto. Forget God Save the Queen.

DARWIN: My dad likes to go fishing where there’s crocodiles and chase them.
TUBRIDY: Did he manage to get some fishing in here in Kerry?…Catch any crocodiles?…And here’s a picture of you and a fffffhhh.
DARWIN: Frill-necked lizard.
DARWIN: Frill-necked lizard.
TUBRIDY: Is it a pet? Did Dad bring it home one day?…Everyone else has a cat.
DARWIN: No, I just saw it and we took a photo.
TUBRIDY:…Take it for a walk.
DARWIN: …So I’m pretty good behind a bar, if anyone wants to give me a job!
TUBRIDY: They want to *make* money…

At this point my brother wanted me to share my results chocolates. Acceding to his request would mean revealing how many I’d eaten on my lonesome. So, no fucking way man.

BROTHER: Come on, we’ll give you champagne.
ME: I don’t want champagne!
BROTHER: Fine, I’ll have the champagne.
DAD: That place where this is on (the Millennium Dome) - is that a big tent?

SYDNEY

I used to live in Sydney. It’s a big huge cool place with a world-famous harbour and things.

The girl wanted to go study in TIT.

There are no words.


TORONTO

TORONTO: And the little girls threw teddies at me! //Wah!//
TUBRIDY: Attack of the teddy bears. Not pretty.
TORONTO: …My dad took us to live in Canada, not knowing that half of Canada is inside the Artic Circle.
TUBRIDY: Pretty good planning! Honey, let’s show the kids a change…go live in the middle of an ICE DESERT!
TORONTO:…and my dad…
TUBRIDY: The intelligent man who brought you to the middle of nowhere…

Oh yeah, and Canadian … clog-dancing?

Nothing like Irish dancing.

I swear. Nothing like AT ALL. *runs off into corner snorting*

GALWAY

TUBRIDY: You’re not small.
ME: Ten marks for observation, numbskull. Thwap him upside the head, go on, up the Lilywhites! Do it for the honour!
TUBRIDY: How did you meet your boyfriend?
GALWAY: On the bus from Tuam to Kiltemagh.
TUBRIDY: Maeve Binchy, take notes!
GALWAY:…And he said, if you’re still waiting here when I get back from the chip shop, I’ll…give you a chip.
ME: You slay me! You slay me! Dat de mudder of all chat-up lines!
TUBRIDY: It started with a chip…//never thought it would come to this…Marty where are you?!?//

DAD: How did we meet, dear?
MUM: *shrugs*
ME: You met at a barbecue. You were drunk and she didn’t like your hair.
DAD: Is that true?
MUM: *shrugs*

LUXEMBOURG

Had the best dress! I love orange!

She proceeded to tell all the ignorant Irish gombeens what E-bay is.

LUXEMBOUG: And there’s this thing called a mouse…
ME: Begad, really? In the mother of god ye uses de tings we catch in traps?

I KNOW WHAT E-BAY IS, BIOTCH.

TUBRIDY: God bless the Internet!
ME: First half-way intelligent thing you’ve said all night. I tell a lie. Ever.

WATERFORD

TUBRIDY: Look at the little bald dad! I see, he’s got the whole semi-cranium thing going onnnnn. Also some guy emailed me and said he couldn’t see me for the mike stand. I know where you live. What’s that you say? I’m meant to interview the Rose? What Rose? Oh yeah.
NEW ORLEANS

Face-palmed! And is Mayor Quimby’s daughter! Go her!

FLASHBACK OF ROSE WEEK

SOUTH AUSTRALIA: *being interviewed*….I can’t remember what I did today!! //Oh, witteh!//
ME: *grinds teeth dangerously* LETTING THE SIDE DOWN HERE, GIRLY!

On reflection, Tubridy made it somewhat more amusing and clearly wasn’t out to get his massively old, dyed-grey freak on with the girls, like darling Marty. Still, it pains me to think that slagging makes for good entertainment.

My mother just tried to strangle me because I forgot to bring down my washing! Who can say ‘Child Abuse!’?

My brother had a nosebleed the other night at about 2am. He thought he may as well come tell me about it (fair enough, the hours I keep would startle vampires the world over). He accidentally got blood on my bedroom door. I feel like I’m living in the Village.
 
 
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: 'What's My Age Again?', Blink 182
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on August 26th, 2004 10:23 am (UTC)
you are psycho. hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. get out there man/woman (whatever you are) and get a REAL life. You pay too much attention to this Tubridy plonker. Who is he? King of lepreachans? hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 26th, 2004 10:59 am (UTC)
Thank you, O Anonymous one. I get told that A LOT. He's a DJ. With big ears. Also, define real?