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23 July 2007 @ 12:32 am
all will be well  
To conclude, before I begin: DH didn't do much for me as a book, but I don't think it's the death knell for fandom I and many others were expecting. (If anyone thinks that reads as a spoiler, I'll hide it.) I may write fic again, and soon, something I hadn't thought possible for the past year or so.

However. Fic for any fandom (HP, PoT, even SGA at this point) aside, my whole mental attitude has changed immeasurably since first I set foot (or mouse) in fandom. My first fic-reading experiences were with the big guns, like Cassie Claire and Maya, who lead me on to other BNFs. I'm not sure it's PC to call them that any more, as the term now has such negative connotations. I was seriously naive at the beginning; I thought I could easily collect an equally-sized fanbase. That's something that's never okay to admit to in fandom, it seems. Yet, it was what I wanted, my heart's desire: a huge friendslist, pages and pages of comments to every fic and post, and to hear my name linked in every rec list going. Greedy much, I know, so maybe it's a good thing I never achieved it.

I've learned some very cynical things about friendship in the last four years. I figure, it's all about what I have to do for other people - in RL as well as here. I've become more detached from the people in this journal due to RL restraints, and the people who formed my core posse have all drifted away. None of them appear to have given up on lj and fandom entirely; they just seem to have got too busy for it, or too bored.

I have collected a number of fans along the way, and few new friends. It's very strange, but seemingly typical of my life, that most of the things I want dearly turn out to be less enjoyable than I imagined. I find the backlog of unreplied reviews intimidating. I often don't have anything to say to the people who do review, because I don't understand their reactions. That makes me resent the task. I just realised there's about ten reviews from 2006 on May Contain Nuts, and people said they cried over it. I have absolutely no idea why. It makes me uncomfortable that people think I'm a better writer than I am. It would be fine if I were the only writer in the world, but I'm not, and others are better. Because I think about this all the time, to a greater or lesser extent, I can't see how anyone could claim something I've written is the best thing they've ever read.

I've essentially become a lurker in my own journal, and I can't see that changing any time soon. I friend people back because the numbers game used to be so important to me, and I think some people will also value having an extra name in their list. I haven't connected with anyone new in a long while, which means the only thing on offer is fic - fic I usually can't deliver. Writing is difficult for me at every stage. I'm not prolific, I have so many and extensive marshes of self-doubt, and I can't bring myself to post anything I think is less than what it could be - because what it is, to me, is so subpar anyway.

Believe me, this is not a cry for praise or pity. It's merely a warning: that fic may be thin on the ground, and that even if it isn't, my inclination to bond with people here has almost dried up. I'm not very good at it, for one thing. I have a pathological fear of boring people with little silly problems that are so like everyone else's, and I don't consider that I have an interesting life or opinions worth discussing. I am very much an empty vessel. I used to be more open to connecting with people, until I found that nothing I did was good enough for some of them, and for the rest, I couldn't hold their attention. In essence I'd rather read about people's lives than get involved with them. I've always been a Watcher, not a Joiner.

So ... in a nutshell? I'll be here but not here. There should probably be more grief involved in this severing, but at heart I am lazy and emotionally stunted. But to be scrupulously fair, I'm not asking nor expecting anything of you either. Good evening, ladies and probably gentleman.
 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: antichrist television blues (the arcade fire)
 
 
 
Gin: Dean is sincere.backinblack on July 22nd, 2007 11:46 pm (UTC)
I had a dream about Albus Severus/Scorpius. It's the new and improved H/D, y'all.

Write more original fiction and post it and we'll call the fic thing even. Hell, I don't even write anymore, maybe a couple hundred words a month. :| Fandom has sucked me dry.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Kitties: prettiscoradh on July 22nd, 2007 11:50 pm (UTC)
I kinda worry that we have too much freedom with it - like, to make the h/d dynamic work you needed to overcome the antagonism. Now you have to make it up, and not everyone's equal to that. *raises hand*

I feel, not so much that I've been sucked dry, but that there wasn't much to suck in the first place and now it's nearly gone. I couldn't possibly write another original piece like the other two, no way. I've revealed my hand, and the shit reaction that got v. the effort I put in ixnayed more original stuff from me.
Gin: Father McFeely.backinblack on July 23rd, 2007 01:04 am (UTC)
But AS could be sorted into Slytherin, and he and Scorpius could become friends and AS (yes I like calling him AS don't judge me) is like, Y U SUCH A SNOB BEBE???? And then Scorpius wants AS over at the Malfoy Manor for the summer when they're like 14, and Draco is long suffering, and Harry and Draco keep having to meet for whatever reason and they're both like *stares at bottom of wine glass, are long suffering together.* And then, I don't even know, AS and Scorpius (this name will never not be funny) are slowly falling in love as per all fic ever. Maybe some up and coming Dark Lord kidnaps them both, and Harry and Draco work together and are both frought with terror and keep snapping at each other ("You're insufferable, Potter!" "Yeah, well, your hair is thinning!"). And then things obviously end happily ever after for AS/S. HAHAHAHA BEST EVER.

Yeah I know I just detailed the plot of the worst idea for a fic ever but I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

You got an underwhelming reaction on the original fic, you think? I really liked both of them, they were both great and vastly different. Original fic is tricky, man. I cowrote three novels and posted them of all places on fictionpress.com. You tend to get a lot of enthusiastic replies, which is gratifying I guess, but none of them can spell and they have nothing to say past OMG GUD UPDATE. I wish there was a place we could go to post original fic to get honest fb or even like a workshopping thing. Workshopping seems to have gone the way of the dogs.
moocowmisconstrue on July 23rd, 2007 01:18 am (UTC)
i'll miss you because even if you were an infrequent poster your posts were always very good. ♥ please keep writing though, you're a lot better than you think you are!
karadin on July 23rd, 2007 01:51 am (UTC)
Oh, man, am I in the same place as you, my desire is to do original work, and fanstuff is pulling me away from it, to the point that any fan art and fiction I do makes me feel guilty, you've probably discovered while comments are fun, and online discussion can be fun, in the end, it doesn't mean so much, not if your interests have gone elsewhere. I figure if I keep a handful of friends online, I'll be okay, I just can't produce stuff like I used to, and I'm tired, but your writing is good, if people have enjoyed it, it was worth the work, good luck to you.
Goss: newsies - can't think - sighgossymer on July 23rd, 2007 02:07 am (UTC)
Why does it seem like I appear after the party ends?

LJ to me has always been a bit of an escape from RL and it's issues. If it's turned into an obligation, then it would be better to disconnect than go through the motions...
on a yellow spaceshipo_glorianna on July 23rd, 2007 02:28 am (UTC)
Aww. Im sorry that you feel that way. Good luck with everything. I do want to say for the record that I enjoyed your posts immensely, even the crazy ones about the going ons in your life.

Aret: Kamenashi Kazuya <3blufox_o7 on July 23rd, 2007 03:15 am (UTC)
Writing's tough. But you're good at it. Give yourself more credit. :)
words_for_snowwords_for_snow on July 24th, 2007 07:10 pm (UTC)
Well, now I'm all sad. I just found you (through "May Contain Nuts", which really is as fantastic as people say it is) and was looking forward to much fic loveliness to come. Still, I have your whole archive to enjoy :) and hopefully you will continue "the road less travelled". It's a true shame that fic isn't giving you happiness anymore, because really, what else is it there for? I hope you never feel guilty for not replying to people like me, random posters who honestly don't want anything except to let you know that you've given us great pleasure.

And as for the fact that you aren't the best writer in the world, when has that ever stopped people loving a writer? Just look at JKR! Also, snap on the "watcher" thing. But still, you have talent. Use it for whatever you want, just never let it go completely.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: SGA: met his matchscoradh on July 24th, 2007 07:19 pm (UTC)
You are very kind - more kind than I deserve! Every now and again I give in to all my fears and insecurities and make a post like this, and I nearly always regret it. Except for the fact that this is the truth about how I feel, I wouldn't leave it up here. And I also feel bad about people reading my moment of weakness! Sometimes writing makes me happier than anything else, but I'm just not great at the whole reeling people into my web thing. :D

...honestly, though? This reply of yours is the loveliest thing I've read in a while. ♥
Lillyse on August 5th, 2007 09:22 am (UTC)
You sound like me. With the Watcher thing. 'Cept that I can't write fic worth anything so you can't possibly be me.

Uh.

Nevermind.


Here, by the way, via Queen of Hearts's other author's blog. Hilarious fic. Depressing ending. *thumbs up*
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 5th, 2007 11:49 pm (UTC)
Yes, that ending got us slated, to put it mildly. Still! It's one of my best works (what part I wrote of it), so there. :DD
jehnt: sga - lorne - confuzzlementjehnt on August 19th, 2007 11:53 am (UTC)
Yet, it was what I wanted, my heart's desire: a huge friendslist, pages and pages of comments to every fic and post, and to hear my name linked in every rec list going. Greedy much, I know, so maybe it's a good thing I never achieved it.

Pffft. So, you're not the BNF to end all BNFs. No one is, these days. Your fics are well-liked and widely recced, which is more than most people get.

It's very strange, but seemingly typical of my life, that most of the things I want dearly turn out to be less enjoyable than I imagined.

I think this is true for all people. Life's a bitch, man. I wish this wasn't the case. But, quite sadly, it appears to be so.

I often don't have anything to say to the people who do review, because I don't understand their reactions. That makes me resent the task.

Just thanking the person for the comment is enough. You already did the hard work with writing the story!

I just realised there's about ten reviews from 2006 on May Contain Nuts, and people said they cried over it. I have absolutely no idea why.

It's because your characters feel so real. I think one of your greatest strengths as a writer is your ability to write three-dimensional characters that people can get really invested in.

It would be fine if I were the only writer in the world, but I'm not, and others are better.

Don't worry. We read them too. XD

If I was limited to reading only things by the best writer in the world... I wouldn't have much to read. Besides, "best" is difficult to quantify with something so dicey as writing.

And may I just say that I find it hilarious that the DAY you posted that your fic may be "thin on the ground" in the future, is the day you also posted the first installment of your new WIP?
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 19th, 2007 11:04 pm (UTC)
And may I just say that I find it hilarious that the DAY you posted that your fic may be "thin on the ground" in the future, is the day you also posted the first installment of your new WIP?

What can I say, I'm inconsistent. :P

I was going to lock this down, but then I thought people should know what they're letting themselves in for. I hope most of the people who friended me lately saw it, anyway.