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11 September 2008 @ 08:42 pm
bless me, father, for i have sinned  

We swapped consultants today so I was on his round. Now, consultants never take lifts. It's in the contract or etched with holy fire into a stone tablet or a footnote in the 'How to torture my team' manual. And students are always at the tailend of the trail of ducklings, while it starts with the consultant and hops back to the reg, the SHO and the intern - in that order. CLIMBING STAIRS WAS VERY INTERESTING, SHALL WE SAY.

He hasn't even the decency to have awful hands, damn him.

Why I hate having crushes:

They're like periods - utterly pointless, painful and messy unless you intend to get pregnant. (My intentions of becoming pregnant correlate almost exactly with my chances of getting pregnant - via immaculate conception - but that's another story.) My crushes never GO anywhere, due to a combination of

- me never, ever acting on them. There's a scene in Circle of Friends - the book, not the film, which is fairly dire - where Benny gets all excited because she thought Jack asked her on a date, when in fact he asked her to a group lunch as a friend. I live in abject fear of being humiliated because my feelings for a boy are greater than his for me. And of people pitying me because of it - of people FINDING OUT. I know I shouldn't care so much about what other people think. I know how boring a life lived in fear is - I live it. And yet.

- secondary to the above, I'm never colder to anyone than to boys I like. I seem to have a flirtatious manner. People tell me so, and I recognise that how I act around people I don't have crushes on could be construed as flirtatious if, say, I meant it. (And it wasn't just my brain on autopilot, indifferently testing how flustered I can make guys or internally laughing at how boring and lame they are.) But I don't want to talk to boys I like; I don't want to look them in the eye; I don't want to be near them. I certainly don't want them to get the impression that I might fancy them, because that would be the worst thing ever. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

- he does have a girlfriend. Probably.

- I work on the assumption that no guys are ever attracted to me, because it happens to be true.

- even if he was going to go for a dumbass student three years younger than him, when he's spoiled for choice with SHOs and interns and nurses and final meds, why on earth would he choose me?

- it's probably so inappropriate he wouldn't consider it.

- I hate having imaginary conversations. I don't know which are worse: the ones where it's about work, and might feasibly occur, or the ones about actual fun stuff, which are never going to occur.

- I hate not being able to control my brain.

- I hate the sense of hope. Nothing ever changes, yet a persistent shard of my mind insists on believing it might, and it drives me tormented.

Maybe writing this out will help? I don't know, I've never tried before.
Current Music: passenger (iggy pop)
OkyDokyokydoky on September 11th, 2008 09:11 pm (UTC)
There are plenty of reasons he'd choose you, you're lovely! ♥

Crushes can be fun to start with, as long as you don't get too attached. They can be a bit dangerous then though :| Although, every thing you've written is true, I may have to rethink my opinion on crushes... it's obviously been a while :P

Nice hands though... that sucks :( He could have at least at the decency to have horrible hands.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: sunflowerscoradh on September 12th, 2008 11:51 am (UTC)
Yeah, but guys I think tend to prefer girls who are non-mute? And maybe look at them once in a while? idek.

Oh, they're never anything but dangerous for me. I pick unattainable guys because they're unattainable, break my heart over them, safe in the knowledge that I chose it to be that way. Well. A part of me did, and it's in control of the rest. Fun!

They were the nicest man-hands I've seen in a while. DAMN IT.
(Anonymous) on September 11th, 2008 10:45 pm (UTC)
I'm never colder to anyone than to boys I like. I seem to have a flirtatious manner. People tell me so, and I recognise that how I act around people I don't have crushes on could be construed as flirtatious if, say, I meant it. (And it wasn't just my brain on autopilot, indifferently testing how flustered I can make guys or internally laughing at how boring and lame they are.) But I don't want to talk to boys I like; I don't want to look them in the eye; I don't want to be near them. I certainly don't want them to get the impression that I might fancy them, because that would be the worst thing ever. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

OH MY GOD I suffer from the same thing. It's gotten so bad that I seriously think I've offended quite a few of them, because when I get over the crush and become normal again they tend to act the same towards me. (lol, I wonder why?)
alpestarsalpestars on September 12th, 2008 03:25 am (UTC)
Oops, sorry, that was me.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: bandsscoradh on September 12th, 2008 11:52 am (UTC)
Ha, once I had a crush ask me if we were fighting because I was so cold. (I wanted to scream: WE'RE NOT FIGHTING BUT YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, DICK! But I didn't.) I wish I could buy a brain-defrosting drug.
mrsquizzical: harryronholdinghandsmrsquizzical on September 11th, 2008 11:03 pm (UTC)
here's the important thing to know about all of that.



most of us are like the rest of us. *nods*

but anyway, you have his bleep number? heeeee! \o/
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: Converse kissscoradh on September 12th, 2008 11:48 am (UTC)
I think you'd be hard-pressed to find many people who endlessly crush and never have relationships, though. My depression nearly entirely stems from that - there needs to be a new name for it!

Yeah. I'm never going to use it, even in direst exigency, but I have it!
peripatetic extemporizations: Brendon hearthatoyona on September 11th, 2008 11:28 pm (UTC)
: ( I so, so know how you feel. I wish there was something I could say to like. Fix it? But I don't really know. So we can be miserable about this together? Although I do think you're really unnecessarily hard on yourself; I think you're pretty fabulous!

every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: deerscoradh on September 12th, 2008 11:47 am (UTC)
I really don't think in this case that it's unwarranted. I mean, today, there was this lecture that was so well-attended, I had to stand at the back, next to the door. He came in late and glanced around; I didn't even LOOK AT HIM. I couldn't. I have a fucked-up head.

But at least I can talk about it here, you know? The last thing I want is to confide in anyone IRL, because they are not generally discreet and the hospital is small, besides.
peripatetic extemporizationshatoyona on September 12th, 2008 03:03 pm (UTC)
Dude, I sort of do the same thing. I don't think I'm as bad about crushes as you are, but I'm pretty silly.

At yeah, as long as you can talk about it somewhere, it's okay. I really hate talking about crushes to people in RL; it's just sort of embarrassing!
screaming cardiac frenzy of berserk despair: stock // be still my heartacchikocchi on September 12th, 2008 12:59 am (UTC)
Oh god, I painfully, painfully relate to pretty much everything on there. And I see that I'm not the only one. ;) The worst, for me, is assuming they mean something they don't and then acting in a way that might give myself away when actually it means nothing ahhhh. AND PITY. DO NOT WANT.

It took me ages to fall asleep last night because I was suffering from imaginary-conversation-syndrome and I just wanted to shut my brain off omg. XDDDD I guess by now I've just kind of gotten used to it -- I don't really know how to turn anything off but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I have no answers, I'm sorry!
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: frangipaniscoradh on September 12th, 2008 11:44 am (UTC)
That's exactly the situation I want to avoid, so, in retrospect, I see that I've shut down one or two 'oppourtune moments' simply because they mightn't have been. LIFE LIVED IN FEAR, YO.

I'm amazed I pass my exams, given the amount of time my imaginary conversations take up. Psychiatry really needs to move with the times - there's no condition which describes excessive crushing (or celebrity mania), but clearly the minds in question are Not Right.
Racey Lacey: sandwichklasie on September 12th, 2008 03:00 am (UTC)
Ohgod. That was so much like my dating experiences that it actually hurt to read. Except you left out the part about attracting nerdy (and not even cute!nerdy) guys with no minds of their own, and no opinions but yours, who stalk you.

Also, after reading this, I just totally talked myself out of asking this guy out. We've been dancing around each other for four years, and we're both basically afraid of ruining our friendship. And I was going to ask him to Homecoming. Now, not so much.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: Twins playing keyboardscoradh on September 12th, 2008 11:42 am (UTC)
See fourth point!

Oh man, I didn't intend that. If I was sure a guy liked me - hell, even had one unambiguous piece of evidence - I'd go for it. But I'm never in situations where the evidence can be unambiguous, I'm never alone with the crushes or text them or anything, so it's easy to convince myself they hate my guts. I don't think I'd act the same in your place - but it's your call, obvs!
Racey Laceyklasie on September 13th, 2008 02:59 am (UTC)

Well, it's all good. I went for it anyway, turns out he asked some other girl because he didn't think I was going. So now I have to find a date, so I don't feel completely lame.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: blue bustierscoradh on September 14th, 2008 06:40 pm (UTC)
Eep. That kind of sucks, but at least not in an 'eternity of wondering what if' kind of way. *hugs*
girl; obsessed: other - wanna make out?complications_g on September 12th, 2008 05:36 am (UTC)
Well I don't get it, because you are totes gorgeous.

every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: Bollywoodscoradh on September 12th, 2008 11:39 am (UTC)
Even if he shares your view, he's probably going to prefer girls who actually, I don't know, speak in his precense...
girl; obsessed: dlm - mehcomplications_g on September 12th, 2008 11:56 am (UTC)
Speaking is overrated.

trichinopoly ashaldehyde on September 12th, 2008 10:20 pm (UTC)
i have a bad habit of completely ignoring guys i crush on. i'll start off acting very normal and friendly, and as soon as my liking for them elevates to crush status, i get tongue-tied and cold, and never have anything to say. sucks.

i think you're rather lovely, so why wouldn't he be attracted to you? hmpf.
on a yellow spaceship: dodoo_glorianna on September 12th, 2008 11:17 pm (UTC)
I gotta second everyone above. You're lovely, intelligent and funny. That's a pretty deadly combination as far as personalities go so it's probably not so much a problem with you as the boys around you that has led to your current relationship-less state.

That said, I agreed with pretty much every single point you listed out. Except in my case, I also torture myself by being good friends with The Boy. I wish I were better at avoiding him all together...because, as I'd said in your last post, I can't really hope to compete with warm, lovely girlfriends who are dancers to boot. :D:D

Nice man hands! Surely he must have some flaws??!! o_O
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: bands: CS+TAI: heart handsscoradh on September 14th, 2008 06:42 pm (UTC)
Oh, trust me, I have faults. Like, being insanely ... passionate? Wrong word, maybe outspoken - on issues like religion and books and people who use commas wrongly. I'm terribly easy to wind up about said things too. Probably most people would prefer to see the insane rages somewhat later in the relationship?

Not much chance of my being friends with this one - I change rotations at the end of the week. I want to think that's a good thing, but I will miss him. It's lunacy!

He talks too fast. :D
dirtylaugh: picadillydirtylaugh on September 12th, 2008 11:18 pm (UTC)
I love your metaphors.
*blows you kisses*

Word on crushes, with me they always equal permanent UST. Or maybe not so much tension as me agonising over every encounter with the crush before and after the fact.

my feelings for a boy are greater than his for me
I think everyone's terrified of that. It's consistently true in my case, but I think that fear's the reason a lot of people act like idiots.

he does have a girlfriend. Probably.

Nice hands are lovely. Enjoy the man-candy, I say.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: bandsscoradh on September 14th, 2008 07:01 pm (UTC)
*insert cunning metaphor here*
Oh, but did you not have a DATE? HUH?

I think maybe I should at least be as open with him as I am with the general populace. It hit me that I'll only see him for one more week! I wish something would happen without me doing anything - even if it's finding out he has a GF for definite. (I don't know if he does or not, it's just easier to assume the worst.)


Edited at 2008-09-14 07:01 pm (UTC)
dirtylaugh: tudedirtylaugh on September 14th, 2008 09:08 pm (UTC)
*is wowed by your skillz*
WELL. He texted me being all lovely and asked me if I'd like to go someplace with him. And then I was like okeydokes and then I get no texts back. For ages, up to present day. And I'm pretty sure he's now in/off to Brazil, but I don't want to go on his foicebook to check in case I'm just being ignored. It's not fun having people waltz salsa into your life and then salsa out without even texting you even if it is because their estranged dad is dying in another country. *hates boys who stage disappearing acts*

There should be a film about this. It's perfect rom-com fodder. You just need to pick a soundtrack. And talk to him, goddamnit. Why only one more week, am I missing summat?

every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Audrey Hepburnscoradh on September 14th, 2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
Re: *is wowed by your skillz*
Well ... usually I'd be wft along with you, but if his dad is dying in another country, that's a watertight excuse for forgetfulness? Don't ask me, I can't remember the last time I texted a boy I liked! I think I was fifteen and he fancied my friend. Goodtimes.

I'm changing rotation to an entirely different hospital next week, and I'm not going back to his hospital AT ALL. And I do talk to him! Sort of. He says 'there's an interesting patient in male surg with facial swelling, you should talk to him,' I say 'Okay' and he says 'You can present to me later if you want' and I'm like 'thanks.'

The stuff of dreams, it is true.
dirtylaugh: witchdirtylaugh on September 14th, 2008 09:25 pm (UTC)
Re: *is wowed by your skillz*
I know, I know. I just really liked him, which is bad, because I always knew he had to go to Brazil and it's bad to like people. Although apparently they don't get on at all. Plus I'm a bit like YOU DID NOT JUST STAND ME UP. But I'm a bitch, so I really do expect everyone's lives to revolve around me.

Interesting to talk to, or interesting as in 'damn, but that's a nifty facial swelling'?

That's good, but maybe a few more syllables would kick-start it up a gear. :D
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: For the Roadscoradh on September 14th, 2008 09:34 pm (UTC)
Re: *is wowed by your skillz*
Eh, it's all a bit mixed up. But presumably he'll come back once his dad is done being sick? And, I mean, even if they didn't get along it's his dad. (I kind of wish rather than expect people's lives would revolve around me, but alas; I think nature earmarked me for a doormat.)

Oh, nifty facial swelling sense. Most people are not interesting to talk to, so patients are no different.

But this is brilliant - the one time we were talking about sort-of outside stuff, he said he was going to work in Australia next year, in Cairns, which is right near where I used to live. And my friend, who has a tendency to sabotage anyone in the vicinity of a guy she thinks is cute, asked me if I was going to my summer elective there, and I said no, because the one time I visited Australia since I moved away everything was different and it was horribly traumatic.

What wonderful signals I send! I mean, I'm not joking when I say I'm hopeless with guys. I only realise how bad it is after the fact.
dirtylaugh: toiletdirtylaugh on September 14th, 2008 09:43 pm (UTC)
Re: *is wowed by your skillz*
Apparently he'll be back in six months. So not too long. ANYWAY. Enough of me mooning over someone I clearly am only pining for because they have a tongue piercing. I prefer discussing your nice-handed doctor man. :D

LOL. Sorry. You do send wonderful signals. And now I can only think of horrible chat-up lines about creating new memories of Cairns to replace your the ones of your traumatic experience.

Maybe it's cause you emit 'love me' pheromones like woah and your mouth has to do something to counteract it cause otherwise you'd be stalked by drooling rapist-men 24/7? WHAT IS MY BRAIN
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: blue bustierscoradh on September 15th, 2008 07:16 pm (UTC)
Re: *is wowed by your skillz*
Oooh, tongue piercings. Yum.

I would buy the love me pheromone theory, especially in the sense that any hint of clinginess sends men running. :P (Also, I doubt rapists are about the love as such.)

Today we had a conversation!

Him: how was your weekend?

I said my Australian cousins were visiting - which looked desperate because hello, overshare! - and said something about him not getting much sleep, because he was saying to the SHO (in front of me at one point) that he only got two hours all over the weekend. Which sounds totally stalkerish. YAY.

You seem to have nominated yourself as my confidante. He's being very polite and professional and now I wish he was a bloody bastard so at least I wouldn't feel like a piece of furniture. Wah wah etc.
dirtylaugh: boozerdirtylaugh on September 16th, 2008 10:32 pm (UTC)
Re: *is wowed by your skillz*
That's not an overshare. That's just share. But two hours of sleep (exaggerated or no) over a weekend sounds hellish. And he still looks good after this sleep-deprivation?

BOO to professionalism.
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on September 17th, 2008 05:54 pm (UTC)
Re: *is wowed by your skillz*
OH HELL YES. Today, I kind of wanted to lick his neck. I mean, this isn't normal.