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21 December 2008 @ 05:02 pm
better make it forty  
My cousin Ryan - I have a cousin Ryan! I totally forgot. He was mocked for years in my family for having a fake name (sorry Ryan Ross, ilu) until my uncle had a one-night stand with a lesbian and she called the resulting girl-child Taylor. We’re traditional folks. ANYWAY, my cousin Ryan was bitten by a coastal taipan and survived. He bled from his eyes. HIS EYES. He is 175cm tall and 100 kg; I am 175cm tall and 70 kg. Apparently it was only his weight that stopped the venom from killing him outright, so I sincerely hope I don't get bitten by a coastal taipan any time soon.

I got a letter today from the university telling me that my summer exam results were so good, they were naming me a College Scholar. Said results were not, unfortunately, good enough for me to wring any cash out of it, but whatever. I'm a College Scholar, y'all. WTF does that even mean, I don't know. Also, my exams were in May; why are they telling me this in December? The College Scholar calls fail.

Today I forced my father to buy my mom a vacuum cleaner for Christmas. But not just any vacuum cleaner, oh no. It is a DYSON ANIMAL. I want to take it out and play with it immediately, but alas, I must wait until we dispose of the current ten-year old antique and the masking tape holding it together, or my mother will strangle me with the fairy lights. She gets very attached to things, you see. Regardless, her old hoover is going IN A DITCH.
 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: all i want for christmas // mariah carey (don't judge me!)
 
 
 
Shezanshezan on December 21st, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
Give away the old hoover on Freecycle! It'll make everyone feel better.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: Japanese bluescoradh on December 21st, 2008 09:11 pm (UTC)
We got a deal to recycle the old one to get 100 euro off the new one, but the salesgirl was so keen to close she let us take the new one right away.
&helena;uminohikari on December 21st, 2008 07:17 pm (UTC)
D: I AM GLAD HE SURVIVED

XD National Merit is only announced 6 months after the test. All these things are so late
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: kissing legsscoradh on December 21st, 2008 09:12 pm (UTC)
Me too!! He got bitten by a brown snake last year. Poor kid has no luck. (Except in staying alive, that is.)

I know. Lack of organisational skills, let me show you it.
(Deleted comment)
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: Marie Antoinettescoradh on December 21st, 2008 09:13 pm (UTC)
No, it's that having a girl called Taylor suddenly made Ryan seem run of the mill. Of course, Ryan is a really common name these days.
Matchy西: FLEEEEEEEEEEEEmatchynishi on December 21st, 2008 09:25 pm (UTC)
Wow, bleeding from his eyes slakdjfsdlkj ._. Glad he survived!!

Also, congratz to you, you College Scholar! XD
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: daisiesscoradh on December 21st, 2008 09:35 pm (UTC)
I KNOW! It was like that scene from Ariel in Firefly.

*prances about* Like, seriously, this does NOTHING for me ... especially for my street cred ... but still: *prances*
No Apologiesaidenfire on December 21st, 2008 09:34 pm (UTC)
So, I wasn't sure what a taipan was, so I used this handy firefox addon where you alt+click on a word and it defines it...and it told me that taipan meant
n.
1. A foreign businessman or a trader in China.

and that made the whole story much more entertaining. lolz!
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: black catscoradh on December 21st, 2008 09:38 pm (UTC)
OH GOD I JUST DIED LAUGHING. I shouldn't - taipans are the third deadliest snake in the world and he's lucky to be alive - but just the thought of him jumping into a waterhole in Bumfuck, Australia and being bitten by a foreign businessman from China!!!!!! :DDDDDD

Edited at 2008-12-21 09:41 pm (UTC)
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every Starbucks should have a polar bear: bands: CS+TAI: toothbrush Gabescoradh on December 21st, 2008 10:19 pm (UTC)
I HAVE NO IDEA I'M PRETTY SURE THEY JUST MADE IT UP. But still!

OMG this one does too. It's got a spinning device inside the cleaning bit on the end! It almost makes me want to perform the act of housework. (... almost.)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - scoradh on December 22nd, 2008 07:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
mrsquizzical: bandom panicmrsquizzical on December 21st, 2008 11:23 pm (UTC)
geez. a taipan? really? what a lucky bloke!

and um. congratulations on the college scholar thing i guess?

:~)
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: pre-raphelitescoradh on December 22nd, 2008 07:19 pm (UTC)
And he got bit by a brown snake last year! Crazy shit.

Yeah, hopefully it'll look good on my summer grant application. Booyeah. :D
Margravine Palavar: Streetmargravinemargravine on December 22nd, 2008 01:58 am (UTC)
Your cousin needs some very sturdy boots for Christmas. I just read this article last week and it made me fear Australia quite a bit. How does anyone get out of there alive?! What the hell is with all the animals there? I once read a Douglas Adams book where he interviewed an expert on venomous creatures from Australia and asked if he had a favorite venomous creature. The guy said he did but she left him. Baddum bump.

Congratulations on your awesome new scholarly title. Money might be better than no money, but I reckon College Scholar is definitely much cooler than not College Scholar.


every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: b&w kissesscoradh on December 22nd, 2008 07:30 pm (UTC)
You won't understand them, after all they're speaking Australian <-- lol!

I only ever saw one snake in my life: my brother beat it to death with a golf club. He was about four. I was terrified of my life with all the programmes on them, though. And the spiders were everywhere. Stay away from the red ones, yo.

True! And it's on my results record, so everyone (ie potential employers) will SEE EET.
daybreaqdaybreaq on December 22nd, 2008 06:12 am (UTC)
I found articles about your cousin:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1097938/Teenager-survives-brush-deadly-snake--thanks-quick-thinking-friends.html

Depending on perspective your cousin is either really unlucky (for being bitten twice by deadly snakes in a year) or really lucky for surviving both times.) Maybe your family shouldn't tempt fate and get the boy out of Australia. I read somewhere that Australians never put on shoes without checking them first! EEK!

Ryan is a VERY common first name in the US and has been for some time. Is it that it is mostly considered a surname in Ireland and Australia or wherever the family members who didn't consider it a "real" name live?

Anyway, I'm glad to hear he's going to be ok.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: hipposcoradh on December 22nd, 2008 07:34 pm (UTC)
Heh, when I lived there I never put shoes on AT ALL. Except for school, and then only under duress.

It's a seriously common surname here, so you'd be risking a Ryan Ryan scenario at some point. And we just had really standard names in our generation. Then my cousins went and named their kids Sharni, Bailey (like the drink!) and Demi (latte. Or Moore. idek).

Me too, even if I have only met him once - he was wearing a nappy at the time.
oopsoddishly on December 22nd, 2008 12:26 pm (UTC)
Bleeding from the eyes? Wow, that actually happens in real life? YOUCH.

I'm a College Scholar, y'all. WTF does that even mean

... it means you're awesome? Maybe? :)
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Bands: Hush Sound Greta rainbow cloudsscoradh on December 22nd, 2008 07:40 pm (UTC)
Yeah, dude. I thought it only happened in Joss Whedon's brain.

Nineteen percent awesome, maybe. Ugh, now I have to go Christmas wrap this vacuum cleaner and haul it up the stairs and hide it under my bed. LIFE.
(no subject) - oddishly on December 22nd, 2008 07:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on December 23rd, 2008 02:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oddishly on December 23rd, 2008 03:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on December 23rd, 2008 08:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on December 23rd, 2008 08:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - oddishly on December 24th, 2008 02:01 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on December 29th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Merit: Inuyashameritjubet on December 22nd, 2008 02:38 pm (UTC)
Um. Hope your cousin gets better soon! (and I've lived in Australia all my life and haven't died yet ^_^;;)

DYSON? Wow. It is like the Superman of vacuum cleaners!
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Goldy booksscoradh on December 22nd, 2008 07:43 pm (UTC)
So have most of my family - so did I! That lot of cousins is just dam' unlucky.

Or Superwoman, even. :P I can't see my dad succumbing to its wiles.
trichinopoly ash: r/s: makeoutaldehyde on December 22nd, 2008 04:10 pm (UTC)
congrats on the college scholar bit even it doesn't come with money!
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: orange fairyscoradh on December 22nd, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC)
Fankoo, sweetie! ♥
Sereniaserenia on January 1st, 2009 09:57 am (UTC)
Geez, he was lucky! I hope he recovers well.

Well done on the results!
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: Japanese bluescoradh on January 1st, 2009 03:29 pm (UTC)
I think he's doing fine, now. Thanks for the good wishes! And the congrats. :D