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30 December 2010 @ 08:16 pm
special snowflake alert  
Today I am one week off Lexapro, cold turkey.

It came about accidentally. I often forget to take my meds the day after call, as it's hard enough for me to remember socks and deodorant let alone break off a tiny blister pack and secrete it somewhere I won't lose it.

My last post-call day was Christmas Eve and in the evening I felt fairly shitty, as per the rule, and went off in a huff over something I can't even remember now. I usually visit to a place in my head where I'm all alone - everyone has deserted me because I'm crap or died off - and curl around the pain like a Prawn o'Depression.

Only this time in the middle of the melodrama my mom called me down to look at Sponge doing something funny, which he does about three times an hour on average. She saw me crying and laughed at me - nothing new there; but I somehow realised how truly overwrought my imagined future agony actually was. It also reminded me of one time on fb chat that Anthony told me to fuck off or something, so I logged out, all hurt and valiantly attempting to obey his wishes, but when I logged back on a while later (on other business, by the way) he kept saying, "You are such a drama queen, drama queen!"

The thing is: I always thought drama queens went around in shiny patent heels screaming about their manicures. I thought my Pain was genuine and I suppose it is/was, but it is the kind of Pain that would go around in shiny patent heels screaming about its manicures.

Since then, what I've appreciated - aside from new-onset mild vertigo - is the lack of expectation. I don't think this came from the pills themselves, but rather my feeling that they changed me, so I should change too. I've had five days of not expecting my life to get any better or more exciting or even slightly fulfilling, and it's such a relief.

I may go out for NYE; it will be the first time I've ever done so. I still plan on doing a book round-up as my main New Year's event, but for some reason I'd rather do something else too.*

(He broke up with his girlfriend. I found out through a mutual friend. But being dumped as a friend makes me feel so worthless as to render this information irrelevant.)

*ETA: it turns out no one else is free or willing. I can't decide if I'm relieved or upset. OH ME.
 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: drive my car // the beatles
 
 
 
light cascading through the windowemilyenrose on December 30th, 2010 08:40 pm (UTC)
Let me say it as someone with some experience of the matter: that guy is a dick, and you deserve friends and lovers who respect you and like you for the excellent person you are.

The above is probably not something which means much to you right now, but give it time. And take care of yourself.

Incidentally, the opposite of drama queen is not to stop caring about yourself and your own problems; the opposite of drama queen is to care in proportion.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: halowrites: majestic catscoradh on December 30th, 2010 08:51 pm (UTC)
And take care of yourself.

I have started to try. And while I can't blame him entirely for putting on two stone, he was at the base of at least 10 kilos. :P

Incidentally, the opposite of drama queen is not to stop caring about yourself and your own problems; the opposite of drama queen is to care in proportion.

While I was writing this out I thought for a second: imagine if I put all that energy somewhere positive. :O? It's not necessarily something I'll ever manage to do. I'm too easily exhausted these days by attempts at positivity that seem more like climbing a glass wall in stilettos, but at least I thought it ...?

&you;
light cascading through the windowemilyenrose on December 30th, 2010 09:36 pm (UTC)
While I was writing this out I thought for a second: imagine if I put all that energy somewhere positive. :O? It's not necessarily something I'll ever manage to do. I'm too easily exhausted these days by attempts at positivity that seem more like climbing a glass wall in stilettos, but at least I thought it ...?

That's such an awesome thing to think. ♥ Thinking of it is what counts right now, even if you are way too physically and emotionally exhausted to put it into action. Part of taking care of yourself is to know when it's time to give yourself a rest. The thought is there for when you have the energy to look at it.
mrsquizzicalmrsquizzical on December 31st, 2010 04:20 am (UTC)
Incidentally, the opposite of drama queen is not to stop caring about yourself and your own problems; the opposite of drama queen is to care in proportion.

hey, that's so well put that i'll just say 'what she said'. *nods*
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: singingscoradh on December 31st, 2010 11:40 pm (UTC)
♥!
Sereniaserenia on December 31st, 2010 05:21 am (UTC)
It's been years since I've done anything for NYE. I guess I'm just a boring non-party-person! Of course, all the pregnancy & breastfeeding-related alcohol abstinence over the last few years hasn't helped. It's harder to be crazy and fun when sober.

I hope you have a good NYE, whatever you end up doing!
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: halowrites: pink doughnutscoradh on December 31st, 2010 11:43 pm (UTC)
Ha, I ended up chaffeuring my brother to his NYE party, and having a glass of 7Up with dinner instead of water. WHOO-HOO, PARTAY. :D

Many happy returns to you!
Sereniaserenia on January 1st, 2011 01:58 am (UTC)
Yep, that's living it up! :D
rita_bluerita_blue on January 7th, 2011 03:36 pm (UTC)
man, I didn't even mean to comment, but the special snowflake thing is soooo spot on! Lately I came to the conclusion, that I'm fed up with shaping all my relationships around these Bad Things That Happened In The Past. I arrived at that point thanks to a crush who refused to be with me, because He Would Hurt Me. And I was angry and disappointed (now I'm not. it was a bad idea, but) - thing is, if I project the Stiletto Wearing Icon of PAIN, how can I fault people for responding to it?

Also, we were chatting, and I said sth about us still being friends, only I was in that angry/defensive mode, and suddenly... I felt him roll his eyes at me. "You're so used to this being a drama!" he said, and I realized that, yeah, I was.

And I stopped. Or better, I started paying attention. I enjoy being a special snowflake occasionally...

...so hugs to you. Nothing wrong with aware special snowflaking, when it's in a good way :)