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22 August 2004 @ 10:47 pm
Slashing the Olympics  
Okay, it had to be done! And I do have an irrational bias against American athletes. This is because they seem to want to turn the Olympic games into the American Games. Don't take this as a blanket horror of all Yanks though - I find most people take an equal place on a podium of distastefulness.

I’ve spent most of the last two weeks watching the Olympics - gymnastics, as it’s the closest thing to ballet that they have. I’d be interested in fencing too, but they don’t show it on Olympics Live, and we missed half the women’s gym final because they decided showing ads every five minutes would be a Very Good Move.

Dad provided a running commentary because the yoke who does it is SO BORING - he has, like, three stock lines: ‘She’s a favourite for the individual medley’, ‘Ooh, that was a very good exercise’ and ‘She’s very strong on this apparatus’, inserting names as and when he needs or can pronounce them. So, when the Chinese messed up the asymmetrical bars, this is what it sounded like in our house:

CHINESE GYMNAST: *falls flat on her face*
ME: Oh, the poor girl! And look at the coach - he didn’t even hug her, the cold bastard!
DAD: What are you on about, she’ll be sacked now! Her family are probably up against a wall as we speak!
CHINESE GYMNASTS: *speak Chinese*
DAD: *translating* Ooh, you’re in the shit now! You fell off, you sacked! Haha, you’re in bigger shit than me!
COMMENTATOR: …and Fa Yang is being congratulated by her team mates after a very strong performance on that apparatus…
ME: What the hell? How do you know? Do you speak Chinese? They might be saying ‘Fall! Bitch! Fall!’
YANKS: *hug and air kiss after LOSING*
ME: I bet they hate each other even more than the Romanians.

Oh, I was watching a late night rerun of the men’s gymnastic individual medley and I couldn’t resist…

CHINESE: *falls off high bar*
COMMENTATOR: I wonder what Sichu is thinking right now? This will put him back in second place…
SICHU: //That one hot piece of ass. Last night - was it good for you too, honey?//
PAUL HAMM: *tumbles right off mat* Judges! Admire my shiny hairless chest! I know you bitches are going to give me gold anyway despite the fact that I completely fucked up my exercise! Otherwise America with withdraw all bribes - I mean *funding*! - from this lazy-arse contest and the Olympics will cease to exist! Muhahaha!!
BRETT McCLURE: You may remember me from such competitions as the Olympic Men’s Team Gymnastics, also my brief spell as the spokesperson for Pudding-Bowl-Hair United…
PAUL HAMM: *thwaps him upside the head* If drugs weren’t, like, banned, I’d be so giving you the purple pills right now.
COMMENTATOR: …A very tight performance from Fa Wong on the parallel bars!
SICHU: Snh, snh, shn. You said it, Jerry.
PAUL HAMM: I am very much missing all the manly hugs and arse-slapping I got from the rest of my team in the group contest. I may just go pinch that Romanian’s arse. Arg! Look of Death from Chinese with pretty lips! Nevermind.
SICHU: Damn that other Romanian for letting the side down with that weak-arm on the bars. I *told* him, jerking off before a performance will make your hands all trembly but did he listen? Noooo.
KOREAN: *on floor* Watch me bounce!
PAUL HAMM: *wins* God, is that what you have to do to get a hug around here? Jeez, it’d be easier to pay for it…
MORGAN HAMM: *in stands* Yay for my brother! Yay for America! Yay for entirely platonic brotherly backrubs! Okay, scrap that last one…

Yes, I know I spelt Sichu wrong. Watch me not caring.

Women’s individual final!

UKRANIAN AND OTHER UNIMPORTANT COUNTRYIAN: *fall*
CARLY PATTERSON: //Haha! I knew greasing the beam would work a treat!// Do you know, *Mom* was going to call me Banjo if I was a boy?
COURTNEY K…THING: Carly, she did. It’s your second name, remember?
CARLY PATTERSON: Shutupshutupshutup!
SVETLANA KORKINA: Watch my dismount! It’s called after me! Also my pokey wannabe-ballet floor routine!
CHINESE: Mine is called Peacock Ballet. All I want to know is, where are the ribbons? Where?
CARLY PATTERSON: *wins. also fake tears*
SVETLANA KORKINA: Ha! They haven’t named anything after YOU!
COURTNEY K…THING: See that bit of her floor routine where she did the come-get-me-tiger-I’m-a-hooker hand-flip? They could call that the Banjo!
CHINESE: //Bronze…huh. Wait for Beijing, bitches…and you thought Stalin was bad…//

Watching track cum hammer throwing in the Olympics.

ANA GUEVARA: Watch my shades! I am the Bono of the running world!
RANDOM RUNNER: Any relation to Che, then?
ANA GUEVARA: I keel you now.

HAMMER THROWER: *tangles hammer in nets, about 30ft up*
COMMENTATOR: …And that’s a goal!
HAMMER THROWER: //Damn, my assassination attempt foiled yet again! I just cannot get it onto the running track!!//

Honestly, though. Hammer throwing? Isn’t that like handing a trigger-happy Texan a loaded gun and an evangelical blessing to rid the world of Liberals and anti-Bush campaigners?

Really, don't mind me. I'm up past my bedtime and it's having a wierd effect on my brain.
 
 
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