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01 July 2007 @ 09:43 pm
holla if you like freak juice  
Went on a family trip out to WIT, which was hosting a Sustainable Building exhibition. Any delusion of rationality was shattered by car conversations like the following:

Brother: Is it illegal to sleep in your own car?
Me: It is if you’re driving it.


Father: I guess you’ll be wanting to do up the Chinky (the Fiat I share with my brother) with spoilers and exhaust systems, eh, male fruit of my loins?
Me: Indeed he’s not. I’m going to get some pink flower stickers and a crystal for the rearview mirror and a nodding dog, or maybe a nodding cat if you can get them, or maybe a whole row of nodding cats. Pink ones.
Father: ... (his standard response to me)

My father, who’s a builder by trade and a tinkerer by nature, was fascinated by the exhibition. My mother was in it for the free pens and lollipops, and my brother and I got mistaken for a couple who wanted to build a house. Clearly genetics went drastically awry in the seven years between us.

Honestly, I think I exude some pheromone that attracts freaks. Brother and I were merely admiring a plasma screen TV (another thing I may put in my car) when the exhibitor jumped on us and started telling me all about cables. From literally about four inches away. I don’t appreciate bad breath at the best of times, and especially not when I have to inhale it in lieu of my own air. I didn’t know how to say, “I just like the pretty TV,” and thus now know far more about cables than I ever wanted to, and had him stare down my top far longer than a married man ever should.

On the way out, another old freak told me ‘I love your bag!’ Or rather he shouted it. Everyone in the entire hall heard it. Granted it is a very nice bag, very sparkly and so on, but I really think old men’s opinions on it needn’t be shared, with me or quite frankly anyone.

But these encounters pale beside the one I had in the bank last week. I needed to transfer money out an account and close it, because it held a grand total of thirteen euro. The young teller – who incidentally had ginger hair, the most horrible fingernails I’ve seen this side of the sixteenth century and a heat rash that got worse as the transaction proceeded – kept asking me all these questions, like where I went to college and what faculty I was in and my mobile number and if I was single and if I had my own house. (He informed me he had his own house. Why he supposed I cared I can’t imagine.) I assumed at the time it was standard procedure (in shutting down an account, though?). My mother came over and asked how he was getting on. ‘Painfully slowly’ was the correct answer I didn't give. She said something about how pitifully small my savings were and he answered: “Yes, when we run away and get married thirteen euro won't take us far.”

And let us not forget the guy on bebo who decided he fancied me madly because of my blog. My blog. Ye gods. I wish I knew what part of me suggests to these people that I’m nice or something, so I could AMPUTATE IT. Honestly. I need to get a tattoo on my forehead saying ‘You’re ugly and I’m shallow.’
Current Mood: nauseatednauseated
Current Music: Fidelity (Regina Spektor)
empathic_siren on July 1st, 2007 09:07 pm (UTC)
Ha! This was delightful, if only because I've lived these things and have had the same internal dialogue with myself. I'd skip the tattoo if I were you, though. ; ) Hope you're doing well--it's been ages!
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Pandas can't talk!scoradh on July 4th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
I'll just have to hope my anti-freeze glare will work... I'm fine, just terribly remiss with the ol' flist. I never seem to know what to say any more. And the only thing I have to contribute is tales of woe like this! How you doin'?
JRevalangui on July 1st, 2007 09:21 pm (UTC)
XDDDD. I want a tatoo like that too! or at the very least a sticker.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Mobscoradh on July 4th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking of the Lynx ad, and using a rubber stamp ON THEM.
JRevalangui on July 5th, 2007 12:01 am (UTC)
Stamping it on them might help them get the hint and don't go "cool tattoo" totally oblivious.

LOL, SCONE: sex edrolling_scone on July 1st, 2007 09:38 pm (UTC)
our lesbian love children would be beautiful. do not deny it. YOU KNOW IT'S THE TRUTH.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Kitties: obese catscoradh on July 4th, 2007 08:14 pm (UTC)
Actually, I think the children I'll have with my cat will be beautifuller. So there.
LOL, SCONE: sex edrolling_scone on July 4th, 2007 08:21 pm (UTC)

you'll have Loveless kids. :3
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Bellescoradh on July 4th, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC)
Aww, how darling!

I never read very far into that manga, but don't they lose their tails with their virginity, or something? What a brutal method of potential ostracism, I thought!
(Deleted comment)
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Pink parasolscoradh on July 4th, 2007 08:12 pm (UTC)
With so many people needing the tattoo, you'd think the people at whom the message was intended would get the hint!

Perhaps 'I have low standards and you don't meet them' would work even better. Or Noel Coward: Fabulous is NOT the word...
amourdevinamourdevin on July 2nd, 2007 12:57 am (UTC)
Brilliant. I must admit that I have the same problem, though usually more in the creepy-man-at-the-bar kind of way. Or the creepy-man-dancing-with-me-without-my-permission. Maybe it's the blonde hair?
If I weren't categorically against shirts with words (or really even pattern, but that's another story) I would get one that said 'I hate you. Die.' or something similar. Tattooing on the forehead is also an option, I suppose.....but really, how many people like that (specifically the men) will even see your forehead?
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: P&P hatscoradh on July 4th, 2007 08:11 pm (UTC)
I used to have a shirt that said: 'You're talking, but all I hear is blah blah blah.' I never wore it much before I grew out of it. The sad thing is one usually offends those who are not guilty of the crime, and those that are are completely oblivious.

I suppose the forehead thing is a good point. I rarely meet people's eyes so I don't know on what part of my anatomy they're focusing ... but I could make an educated guess. Boys are so boringly predictable.
on a yellow spaceship: dodoo_glorianna on July 2nd, 2007 05:13 pm (UTC)
One word: Wow. *dies laughing*

I loved the last guy who was determined to elope with you...after telling you mother. It's not quite the same, eh?

every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Recyclingscoradh on July 4th, 2007 08:08 pm (UTC)
I admit the element of surprise was therefore somewhat lacking ... so was the element of attraction, unfortunately for him, which is a VITAL COMPONENT of anyone I'd elope with!
jehnt: misc - warning - no discojehnt on August 7th, 2007 03:18 am (UTC)
And let us not forget the guy on bebo who decided he fancied me madly because of my blog. My blog. Ye gods. I wish I knew what part of me suggests to these people that I’m nice or something, so I could AMPUTATE IT.

This is like the several myspace messages I get per week about "hooking up" with various dudes, or letting some guy who's older than my dad be my "sugardaddy." It's like, omg, no thanks, did you even LOOK at my profile?!?

I don't know why people are so weird.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: An interview icon -- Harryscoradh on August 7th, 2007 10:03 pm (UTC)
*wistful* I've always liked the word sugardaddy. I keep thinking of immensely fat men, perhaps in trilby hats, made entirely of pink sugar.

Now I need a snack.
jehnt: alias - syd - spybarbie redjehnt on August 19th, 2007 10:05 am (UTC)
I believe that Peeps-style sugared marshmallow-puff sugardaddies would be far preferable to sleazy, flabby men wanting lewd sexual favors in exchange for trinkets. XD