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28 April 2008 @ 10:28 am
 
my grandmother died last night. it was quick and unexpected.

i got the feeling the last time i saw her that it would be the last time i ever did. which, we were visiting australia for the first and only time in the ten years since we moved here, with little likelihood that we'd return within the next decade, and she was old and frail then, and that was three - four? - years ago. so, not so much with the psychic as the likelihood ratio being way positive. but. i was right. and i can't remember the last time i talked to her

i only cried a little last night and i'm not really sad because hey, ten years, and we weren't exactly msn buddies or something. my dad didn't cry. it's his mother. i tried ringing him up just now - my parents are at work, i'm up at my flat for the day to get a haircut A HAIRCUT - and he didn't answer. and. i feel sick, like i'm in shock, only i know that's not how it presents. and i'm teary now. it's stupid. like i said, i don't feel sad. last night i was looking for grief cues from my dad and he told me to go back to bed. i feel like i should be rending my clothes and. wearing black. but i'm going to get a haircut. and things seemed like normal five minutes ago.

sorry for the punctuation i don't think i can bear to read this again, let alone edit
 
 
Current Mood: shockedshocked
 
 
 
*sometimesophie on April 28th, 2008 10:02 am (UTC)
Oh, sweetheart. *holds you*
Amanuensis: window Harry (Yukipon art)amanuensis1 on April 28th, 2008 10:09 am (UTC)
I'm sorry. It's okay not to feel grief cues in the order you expect them. Or to cry not at all, or cry buckets. There are no rules.
mcmuffins_js: ham napkinmcmuffins_js on April 28th, 2008 10:35 am (UTC)
Oh honey, I'm sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Stefy ~ ステフィ: Autumn Glowpharrezychica on April 28th, 2008 10:54 am (UTC)
:(
I'm so sorry honey *hugs tight*
It's not weird to feel sad/feel the impact of this, no matter how disconnected you two were.
My thoughts and prayers are with her and you and your family.
Meredythmeredyth_13 on April 28th, 2008 11:29 am (UTC)
*hugs*

Honey, your reaction is entirely yours - no one deals with any death by a proscribed checklist. Please don't try and judge yourself - there's no right and wrong.
BOF: their love is so huggy :)best_of_five on April 28th, 2008 12:51 pm (UTC)
i'm very sorry for your family's loss. -hugs-
land of godless sodomitespixxers on April 28th, 2008 12:55 pm (UTC)
Every time I see my grandmother, I always think it might be the last. *hugs* It's an odd feeling when you're not particularly close to someone who dies, and yet you're still very much affected.
not your typical annihilatrixfuriosity on April 28th, 2008 01:11 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry. :\ My maternal grandmother died rather like that too, and I hadn't seen her for over 10 years at the time 'cause I haven't been able to make it back to Estonia since we moved.
mrsquizzical: mollyhugharrymrsquizzical on April 28th, 2008 02:06 pm (UTC)
*warm hugs*

there's no 'should'. you feel what you feel, and do what you do.

(i didn't know the australian connection. are you from here originally?)

*more hugs*
HD Darkensawhdluff4eva on April 28th, 2008 02:34 pm (UTC)
*hug*

That's all I can say.
Kelleycopperbeech on April 28th, 2008 02:37 pm (UTC)
You're in my thoughts {{you}}
ravurian: crow windowravurian on April 28th, 2008 02:41 pm (UTC)
There's a public definition of grief, I think. We're primed by books and tv and film to see reactions and think 'ah, those chaps're grieving!' and so we think we know what grief is and that we'll recognise it again, though truly, we have no idea until it's on us. Grief is specific and relative, and time, distance, logic, can't apply.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.
starts with k: misc // wallanyotherknight on April 28th, 2008 03:34 pm (UTC)
I'm very sorry for your loss.
peripatetic extemporizationshatoyona on April 28th, 2008 04:37 pm (UTC)
Wow, I'm really sorry. Regardless of how well you knew your grandmother, it still sucks a lot to lose a family member.

About your dad, he could just be grieving differently. Everyone has their own process, you know?

I'm sending hugs and good thoughts your way. : )
jacked up on cheap champagnemizbean on April 28th, 2008 05:42 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. Take care.