i got the feeling the last time i saw her that it would be the last time i ever did. which, we were visiting australia for the first and only time in the ten years since we moved here, with little likelihood that we'd return within the next decade, and she was old and frail then, and that was three - four? - years ago. so, not so much with the psychic as the likelihood ratio being way positive. but. i was right. and i can't remember the last time i talked to her
i only cried a little last night and i'm not really sad because hey, ten years, and we weren't exactly msn buddies or something. my dad didn't cry. it's his mother. i tried ringing him up just now - my parents are at work, i'm up at my flat for the day to get a haircut A HAIRCUT - and he didn't answer. and. i feel sick, like i'm in shock, only i know that's not how it presents. and i'm teary now. it's stupid. like i said, i don't feel sad. last night i was looking for grief cues from my dad and he told me to go back to bed. i feel like i should be rending my clothes and. wearing black. but i'm going to get a haircut. and things seemed like normal five minutes ago.
sorry for the punctuation i don't think i can bear to read this again, let alone edit