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27 July 2008 @ 06:00 pm
son of ...  
Two years. Two years since I've got into (is there a better verb than that?) a new fandom. In the interim I forgot how eff-awful cliquey they are. And bandom is so small compared to HP, where at least you could carve out a niche for yourself. In bandom there seems to be just the one niche, so if you're not in it, you're. Um. Standing outside the fire, possibly. Garth Brooks has a bon mot for every occasion, don't you find? I haven't yet been able to work 'I've got friends in low places' into any of my life's big moments, but I'm young. There's still plenty of time for me to become a drug mule.

Following on from my post about Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging, I have to throw in a disclaimer: it's not like I have anything to offer, regardless of fandom. If only level of hurt and rationality were proportionate. And also, don't forget that USMLE stress has my brain's megaphone right now. I've changed the date from the fourteenth to the fifth of August, because I can't stand an extra week of not wanting to get out of bed. It's rather interesting to experience exogenous, rather than endogenous, depression. I find myself tallying the differences, like 'wishing I'd been diagnosed with rapidly fatal cancer' versus 'I want to sleep forever, or at least till the fifteenth.' The reason I changed the date is because I don't have to suffer as long as I'd originally planned. It took a lot more work with the other kind. If you’re going to be depressed, I highly recommend using a stressful life event as a jumping off point as opposed to the Random Sads.

Using lj as a confessional box is kind of uncool, not to mention deeply unamusing for you, the gentle readers. Bear with me just a bit longer. I kind of need to get this out.



I am twenty-two years old and a virgin. It doesn't have the same ring as the forty-year old virgin, but hey. Just give me eighteen more years, dude.

Aside from my mom, that is the first time I've ever admitted that publicly. For a given value of 'public', obvs. It's because I'm so ashamed. I'm so ashamed, my eyes started welling up as I typed and now I can't see, which is damned inconvenient. Tissues, tissues, tissues.

(I do my makeup at the same desk my laptop is on, fortunately. A whole box of tissues, for those inevitable moments when you inadvertently stab your finger with a liquid eyeliner brush and then rub your nose.)

The older I get the more ashamed I get, which is a bit of a vicious circle type situation. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me, why no guy has ever looked on me with approval, let alone interest. I may not be gorgeous or funny or lovely or sweet - I'm actually pretty nasty, to be perfectly honest - but people who are far uglier, far nastier, far more boring than me seem to have sex nonstop, like little Energiser bunnies of porn. It's been five years since I've kissed a guy and, well. Let's just say that constitutes the limit of my experience. So can we spell 'f-r-i-g--i-d'?

At this point, I couldn't even imagine making it with any guy. A normal one would expect a twenty-two year old chick to have a more than theoretical knowledge of the whole thing, so if I managed to get that far and didn't – huh. I don't even like to imagine it. I'd need a special-needs kind of guy and I don't want a special-needs one, I want a normal one. I want to be normal, but it's far too late for that. (Cue vicious cycle.)

That aside, I might – just - be able to live with myself if it wasn't for the deceit. I'm not so far gone that I've lied about it. I've never actually said I've had sex, or done anything else, when I haven't. But there have been lies of omission - hundreds of them. I’m sure I’ve done it online. I’ve definitely done it offline. My girlfriends start talking about sex and, if I can't physically get away from the conversation, I sort of nod. And say stuff that implies I've been there, done that and got the Get It Here t-shirt. The problem is I'm not naive. I probably know more about the breadth of sex than they do, just from fandom. If I didn't, I would have been exposed long ago, and maybe it would have been better for me. I sometimes wish it would come up, that I could just say, "What do I know? I've never done it," because they've probably guessed anyway. In all honesty, I don’t have the balls. Also, I hate the thought of my entire class knowing - and they would, because medicine is a small and incestuous place where we gossip constantly about each other. With a free dose of judgement. They will think I'm the worst kind of loser.

I am. I think I am, and. If the whole world told me I was a loser, I probably could handle it. But I can't, because I think it too.

Oh, and then I have the temerity to go and write fanfic about stuff I've never done and know nothing of - not just the mechanics, but the emotional content. I've never had a boyfriend either, in case that wasn't an obvious extrapolation, nor even come close. There are a lot of things going against my fanfic: poor plots, sketchy motivations, general stodginess and 'pretentious prose', but I do wonder if the worst crime is the fact that it's not genuine. That it doesn't proceed from any personal experience. I'm a drought writing about rain. I’m the ultimate cliché – the chick that can’t get laid writing porn as a lameass substitute.

Obviously that's not really my biggest problem. The biggest would be the lack of trust I'm able to have for anyone. If they guessed, if they found out, if I let something slip. And guys? Can't even go there. I'm a failure in the most basic human endeavour, so it must follow that in everything else - from fanfic and fandom interactions to real life connections and self-esteem - I'm the biggest failboat that never did sail.

And yet I'm telling people now, because I hate the way my whole life is a bundle of lies. The one thing I deplore most is dishonesty. The ironic thing is that I'm the most dishonest person I know. I feel like I've picked a scab off my soul. I've obviously earned the disdain - or worse, the pity - of everyone who reads this, and yet. This is me. The other ... wasn't.



So I'm gonna go and like, sit on the grass now or some shit. I probably need a fandom timeout. I'll write some fraudulent fanfic and try to get into the right headspace for this exam in the next seven days. When I cry the tears mostly come out of one eye. Isn't that weird? I think it's weird.

Paranoia, kids. Don't try it at home.
 
 
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Current Music: mountain (biffy clyro), still
 
 
 
Loyaulte Me Lie: how old?shocolate on July 27th, 2008 05:30 pm (UTC)
oh, mouse.

I was a twenty-six year old virgin, and hubby was twenty-four and thought I must be this Experienced Older Woman, and found himself making up women who'd gone down on him, but he couldn't remember their names and got his stories all mixed up... all because sex is like sky diving - when you do it for the first time, you want it to be with someone experienced.

And by the time I mentioned - probably feeling a bit inadequate and not knowing how I'd stand up to these women - that I was a virgin, it was too late for him to back down.

I wish I'd known we were both making it up as we went along - would have been far less stressful!

I'm not sure what point I'm making - probably that it's really not that big a deal - and it's pretty crap, once you start doing it, anyway - and writing about it is much less messy!

And don't sleep with someone called Trevor, just to get it over and done with.

Hubby isn't called Trevor.
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 7th, 2008 11:32 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty sure I'd be compelled to tell the truth with any guy - see the whole reason behind this post! - which makes it even more difficult. Well, it did - I thought, in terms of trusting someone, it did. These three pages of comments kind of suggest that there are some people worth trusting out there. Still, I don't want someone who'd make fun of it or think less of me for it, so I have to choose carefully.

I knew a guy called Trevor too and - no. I definitely wouldn't! :D
The Fancatus Bureau of Incestbalefully on July 27th, 2008 05:35 pm (UTC)
fhsdnfgd I promised myself. PROMISED. ON PAIN OF DEATH. That I would have sex (penetrative male/female sex) for the first time when I was 21, so that I would never have to say that I was a 22-year-old virgin. Losing it when one is 21 seems much more "normal" than 22.

...but I didn't. My 22nd birthday was a week ago.

:( So yeah. Amen.
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 7th, 2008 11:37 pm (UTC)
DUDE, I pretty much had the same determination - like that 21 was the absolute last. All those fucking teenie magazines parroting that 17 is the average age to lose it ... damn their eyes.

Eddie Izzard lost his at 22! I don't know. When I made this post I was ready to die, and after reading all the comments I feel unnaturally perky. Here's to just not giving a shit in future.
(no subject) - balefully on August 8th, 2008 02:49 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on August 7th, 2008 11:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
not your typical annihilatrix: QaF: UK Nathanfuriosity on July 27th, 2008 05:44 pm (UTC)
I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of, Rach. No qualifiers or explanations, sorry. I just don't think you do, and I wish you didn't feel badly about it.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art: monkeyscoradh on August 8th, 2008 08:24 pm (UTC)
The funny thing is, I don't feel so bad, now. Because I've never talked about this before, it's never seen the light of common sense. Now that it has, I feel ... better. So thank you.
...: [M*A*S*H] Huh?chowburger on July 27th, 2008 05:49 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure I can offer up any sagely advice on the subject or anything, but I will say that I have plenty of friends who are 20, 21, 22, etc. and have never had sex or boyfriends. My boyfriend was 23 when he lost his virginity (I hope he never finds out I'm talking about this on the internet!) and never had a girlfriend before me, and I was 19 before I worked up the courage to stick my tongue in someone else's mouth. Sex felt like this huge deal before it happened, and afterwards I was just like... okay, sure, whatever. (Well, mostly I was like OW OW OW OW FUCK OW, but that's a whole other story.)

I've always figured that there's just a certain type of person who finds meeting the right people pretty difficult. I'm one of those people, and so are a lot of my friends, and I think it usually accompanies a certain level of intelligence and unwillingness to settle for... blah-ness. Most Irish people my age are complete twits, or so I've found, and having sex with any of them was really a less than appealing prospect. It's a completely stupidly overused cliché, but it's all fine if you're with the right person, and if they're a decent human being then they won't care if you're experienced or not - you'll just be able to laugh about it and have a bit of fun.

I don't know if I made any points at all in this comment, but... um... yeah. You're not that old to still be a virgin!
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 8th, 2008 08:29 pm (UTC)
Most Irish people my age are complete twits, or so I've found, and having sex with any of them was really a less than appealing prospect.

Not to come down on my fellow man - but we do it so well! - that is very true. I had an American flatmate last term and I tried very hard to explain the 'dating' system here. She was horrified by the way guys acted towards girls in bars and so on. Granted, American guys are like that too - but not all or most of them are. It's doubly difficult when you hate drinking and the club scene to even find someone you like (you being me, obviously). None of this helps the situation.

I feel loads better now, so thanks for the validation! ♥
queen of pain: harry potter: slytherin: sarcasmn_isfor_neville on July 27th, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
25-year-old virgin, here. I totally would have lost it at 16, to my first boyfriend, only he turned out to be gay. Oops! I haven't had much luck with guys since. It's like the only guys interested in me are gross old men, or too weird even for me. Anyway, I'm totally not saving myself for "the one", but I don't want to just lose it to someone I don't even like.

It's really too bad I don't like girls, because lesbians are always hitting on me. I must give off a lesbian vibe or something, because last year my grandpa asked me if I was a lesbian. Or maybe it's just that if you don't have a serious boyfriend at my age, then you must be a lesbian. Now, for at least the last 3 generations in my family, there is one non-married, childless female. It's like there is a curse or something, and I'm destined to be the one for my generation.
lecharmediscret on July 27th, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
ahaha, I can so totally sympathise with the lesbians thing. I don't understand- there are a lot more single unattached straight men than there are single unattached gay women, I'm just really curious about how so many of them seem to notice me when so few of the men do...
(no subject) - 4am_secret on July 28th, 2008 12:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - n_isfor_neville on July 28th, 2008 01:25 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pervert_bitch on July 28th, 2008 05:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on August 8th, 2008 08:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
peripatetic extemporizations: Brendon hearthatoyona on July 27th, 2008 05:56 pm (UTC)
Oh, Rach. I'm going to call you that, okay? Oh Rach. I just. I know pretty much exactly how you feel, minus four years. Which okay, eighteen is I guess a still "okay" age to be a virgin (whatever the fuck that means, because honestly, there's no such thing; the okay age is when it happens), but I've never kissed a guy.

I wish I could tell you something more than that. I can try I guess. I can tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed about, and that the guys who've never looked at you may have looked at you, but if they didn't act then it's seriously they're loss.

Being a virgin or not doesn't say anything about you, as a person. It won't change how someone feels about you if they really feel something strongly. I think you're a great person and this doesn't change a thing.

Ugh, I could babble on forever because I think you're totally fabulous but I'll shut up now. And fuck the fake fandom thing, half the girls in this one are fourteen! ♥
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 8th, 2008 08:37 pm (UTC)
Rach is totally what everyone calls me, it's just not tied to my username at all. (It actually is the Irish verb 'to slash,' which certainly describes me. I can't even pronounce it, though, so it's not the greatest NAME ever.)

I felt just the same at eighteen, because there was that whole stupid magazine thing that the average age to lose it was seventeen. Of course, that was probably because twelve year olds were writing in all worried about it. Which is fine when you're twelve.

You should probably do the same thing I did; read all these comments and feel validated about your life not having to fit a cookie-cutter mold. I am. I'm sure it won't last, but the real true thing is that I was dead sure I'd get at least one, if not many, if not all, scathing comments about this 'affliction.' And there's not one. It seems a small thing, but it's really big for me. I'm one step closer to being happier with myself.

And urg, THANK YOU for saying all those lovely things. The internet is the best. And I don't just say that 'cause of teh pr0n.

Word on the fourteen thing ... at least I don't believe I'm going to have Brendon Urie's babies. >.>
(no subject) - hatoyona on August 8th, 2008 09:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on August 8th, 2008 11:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - hatoyona on August 9th, 2008 12:22 am (UTC) (Expand)
The Goddamn Wolf Womanslythwolf on July 27th, 2008 06:02 pm (UTC)
It's not as big a deal as the culture makes it out to be. Like, in books and TV and stuff (I mean, for example, this was the entire plot of some stupid romance novel I once read) there will be a character who hasn't had sex at age 25 or whatever and who just cannot find a man to sleep with her because half of them are squicked by doing it with a virgin ("she won't know what to do!") and the other half are all worried that she will, I don't know, regret it later or something because they the dudes don't feel their relationship is special enough to be someone's first time. In real life it isn't like that so much.

When I was 22 I had had sex exactly three times. The first time, at that point, I wasn't counting, and I hadn't counted it as a loss of virginity, because it was thirteen-year-old fumblings with my best friend, who had been a girl, and though I was acknowledging at that point that I was bisexual I was still brainwashed enough by heteronormativity that I thought girls didn't really count, you know, for sex things.

The second and third time had happened when I was 20, and I hadn't had a date since. I felt like it would have been better to be a virgin because I would have been able to say, hey, I'm a virgin, and therefore have an excuse for my inexperience; those two times with that dude didn't really teach me anything, or help me feel, you know, more comfortable with sex, partially because he was an asshole and partially because he fucked me twice and then broke up with me. If he had stuck around long enough for us to have, like, a real sex life, I might have learned something from it.

Then when I met Nigel I definitely found myself wishing I'd never slept with that first dude. Because I was 23 and Nigel was 22 and he had never dated anyone, and although we did get to learn together for the most part, I thought it would have been cool for us to have that experience together.

Things will happen the way they're supposed to and it will be okay. You will either meet someone who cares enough about you not to care what you've done or haven't done in the past, or--and I don't so much recommend this option but I acknowledge that it exists because it happened to me--meet someone who thinks doing virgins makes him a badass, or something, who will be kind of an asshole about it and not care about you as a person. Again, don't really recommend that option. But it can be hard to tell the difference at the time. They're sneaky bastards.

Also I have RL friends around your age and older who are in similar situations. You Are Not Alone.
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 8th, 2008 08:39 pm (UTC)
You Are Not Alone.

I'm a pretty intelligent person, if that's not a douchey thing to say. I can be observant and sensitive and considerate and yet. I really did feel so alone. And now I don't. It's strangely amazing.

Thank you for sharing your story too. All these different experiences I've been reading have shown me just that - everyone's different. This is kind of how it works for me. And I think that might just be okay.

(no subject) - slythwolf on August 9th, 2008 04:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Allika: Voltaireallika on July 27th, 2008 06:12 pm (UTC)
Well, this probably won't be comforting...but I wish I was a virgin. I lost it at 14, and that act, and every act following, has given me no joy or bliss, and very, very little satisfaction. I so so so wish I had waited instead of being pressured by bastards who didn't care less about me.

Please don't want to "get it over with" (a phrase I hear a lot from my friends in similar situations). Sex should be passionate, intimate, and fun. I'm waiting for someone that can give me that, and someone will come along who'll do the same for you...eventually (though the waiting does suck, doesn't it).

And don't feel self-conscious or ashamed, because by the time he (or she, you never know!) comes along, if they're any sort of decent, you'll be met with compassion, tenderness and a kind incredulity. And that should apply to everyone. For example, I can't comment on your appearance, but I read all of your posts and you seem to me to be a genuine, kind, and truly hilarious person. I'm truly surprised someone hasn't swept you off your feet yet. But they WILL, I'm sure. It may be a little while down the road, or it might be tomorrow.

But, and I hope I don't seem patronizing, I think you're lucky and strong to not have fallen victim yet to one of those numerous fellows who's only after one thing. I think everyone's first sexual experience colors all the rest, and unfortunately for me, I did it for all the wrong reasons, and continue to do so. Hopefully, you'll avoid that.

*hugs* Good luck!
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 8th, 2008 08:42 pm (UTC)
This was one of the replies that made me start tearing up. It's just - to know that 'losing it' maybe isn't the answer I'm looking for (and I'm sorry to hear about your experience with that, because I agree with your comment that it should be passionate, intimate, fun, and worth waiting a longlong time for). It's really hard for me to believe I'm worth anything with all these thoughts in my head. Getting some of them out has been the best thing ever, because through insisting that I'm mistaken people are showing me that maybe they don't make so much sense in the real world. So thank you, thank you. And great good luck to you as well.
(Deleted comment)
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 8th, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
I can totally see where you're coming from. One time I made up this story about a guy I kissed, just to up the numbers (I think the real grand total is three or four). I felt horrible and I had to keep second guessing myself the rest of my time in high school. I stopped when I got to college because quite a lot is assumed ... but at the same time? Three years and no boyfriend - or girlfriend - in sight? Yeah.

But this post is coming from a place that's sick of covering that up. All the people here are trying to assure me that it's not the dirty shameful little secret I thought it was, and I'm starting to believe them. At least believe them about the fact that it isn't shameful. Maybe this belief will evaporate soon, but I'm liking it while I have it.

*sigh* I hope you and I can figure a way out of these muddy waters. And thanks for the insert of common sense about the writing. I was in a pretty bad mental place a week ago, and while the main issue was always an issue everything else kind of came out too ... go me!

pir8fancier on July 27th, 2008 06:42 pm (UTC)
Can I add my two cents here? This is not a contest, and I have seen pictures of you and you are LOVELY. So stop bashing yourself as physically inadequate. I would guess that you are not making yourself available. Plain and simple. You are not ready. Why is this such a horrible secret? You're not spreading your legs for the first wanker to cross your path? Just to prove to others than you can get laid? Why would you want to participate in THAT contest? Pat yourself on the back, my dear.

My daughter is eighteen and a virgin, and there's a damn good reason. She falls for guys two states away. She falls for guys who have girlfriends. She falls for guys who are about to move to Alaska. She's not ready. And so you're not ready. No big deal.

I wish people would STOP making sex out to be some barometer of our normality. If you don't have sex and be a fucking god in bed, you're emotionally stunted and, yes, frigid. I had sex for YEARS with very nice men and I thought it was good sex, and then when I hit 40 the sex started getting fantastic. As in, I was emotionally and physically ready to let go and have a good time and indulge my curiosity.

First thing is to stop treating yourself as some sexual leper, and, Rachel, please stop bashing yourself. We love you. We think you're as cute as a button. We don't think you're nasty. And in fact, I think it far more important to seek out why you are so down on yourself as opposed to why you're still a virgin. Lilke someone cares about that shit? You know, one day you won't be a virgin because once it happens, then it happens. And it's uncomfortable and not that earth shattering and I made an utter FOOL out of myself to the point of still blushing about said deflowering. But when it happens, it happens and it's done. What is not so done is why you're so harsh with yourself. THAT is a legacy that is far more damaging and self-destructive than having an intact Hymen. Yes?

::HUGS!::
secretsolitairesecretsolitaire on July 27th, 2008 07:50 pm (UTC)
First thing is to stop treating yourself as some sexual leper, and, Rachel, please stop bashing yourself. We love you. We think you're as cute as a button. We don't think you're nasty. And in fact, I think it far more important to seek out why you are so down on yourself as opposed to why you're still a virgin. Lilke someone cares about that shit? You know, one day you won't be a virgin because once it happens, then it happens. And it's uncomfortable and not that earth shattering and I made an utter FOOL out of myself to the point of still blushing about said deflowering. But when it happens, it happens and it's done. What is not so done is why you're so harsh with yourself. THAT is a legacy that is far more damaging and self-destructive than having an intact Hymen. Yes?

*nods in agreement with all of this*

Believe me, there is nothing wrong with you. Plenty of people are virgins at 22. I was, depending on how you define virgin (I'd done certain things involving orgasms but not actual intercourse). My SO certainly was, by any definition, and several of my friends were too. Nothing wrong with any of them.

It sounds patronizing to say this, and I don't mean to be -- but when the time is right, you'll know. The time just isn't right yet. Maybe you're not ready, maybe you haven't met the right person, maybe you just haven't had the opportunity. But there's nothing wrong with you.

Regarding your fanfic, you know, I've said this to you before: experienced or not, you write some of the most realistic sex scenes I've ever read (and I mean realistic in both physical and emotional details). I think most writers haven't necessarily gone through everything they write about, but the important thing is to have a good imagination and an intuitive understanding of human nature, both of which you seem to have in spades.

I've obviously earned the disdain - or worse, the pity - of everyone who reads this

None of either from this corner, hon. Just lots of hugs!
(no subject) - scoradh on August 8th, 2008 09:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on August 8th, 2008 08:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
dirtylaugh: hellooodirtylaugh on July 27th, 2008 06:59 pm (UTC)
no guy has ever looked on me with approval, let alone interest
I would bet my beautiful and very expensive Lipsy dress that that is a bare-faced untruth, cause I've seen pictures of you, hor.

people who are far uglier, far nastier, far more boring than me seem to have sex nonstop, like little Energiser bunnies of porn
Well, 'xactly. Being a virgin has nothing to do with how pretty/interesting/nice you are, nor even how confident/savvy you are. Some of it does help, but the ugliest, stupidest, horriblest (I sound like a 4 year-old) girl could go out and get laid like that (provided they didn't have a modicum of self-respect) as long as Fate was on their side. Before I had any 'romantic' physical contact with a boy, even though my friends would keep telling me I was 'pretty' or 'funny' or whatever, internally I was always like 'well, let's see, no-one ever likes me, and I've never got anywhere, let alone sex, and you all have, so clearly I'm a freak'. And I attributed my loserishness to loads of things about me - my prettiness, my height, my race, my personality, my lack of prior experience (catch 22 ahoy!) most of all. Now I can see what it really boiled down to was:

a) I hadn't had a whole lot of opportunities
b) If I had had an opportunity, I'd either been oblivious or not wanted to take it cause I'm not a whore/desperate/Ijustdidn'twantto.

WHICH WAS FINE. But I didn't realise it, so I just kept muddling along, trying to ignore the fact that I was wholly and completely sexually unattractive, for no particular reason. Which I wasn't, and I'm not.

I'm a drought writing about rain.
BALLS to the whole fanfic thing. Okay, I know you're not just talking about the mechanics - which in slash fandom is hard for any straight female to know practically that much about - but any representation of romantic emotion in writing - even one you feel you have experienced personally - has no truth to it apart from the emotion which the reader feels upon reading it. Which means a ten year-old could prolly write porn that would floor me in a second (and probably has, seeing as I'm in HP fandom). Your writing is beautiful, that's genuine enough for me. ♥

Lastly -
1) You haven't earned my pity, or my disdain. I envy you, babe. I get warm fuzzies anticipating when you do stumble upon someone who you get intimate with and then you realise how much of a catch you were and are - even more so because you didn't jump on the Energiser porn bunny bandwagon.
2) Lies of omission? Hell yeah. And I always feel like I'm not that kind of person who should feel the need to pretend they're something they're not, and I should set people straight... but I don't.
3) I feel like I wrote this post. The only way you could ever be a cliché is through the fact that I'm positive nearly everyone goes through this - whether at 14 or at 34.


< / essay>
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 8th, 2008 09:13 pm (UTC)
WELL WELL - IF THEY HAVE THEY NEVER TOLD ME! So it's as good as if they hadn't. So there.

WHICH WAS FINE. But I didn't realise it, so I just kept muddling along, trying to ignore the fact that I was wholly and completely sexually unattractive, for no particular reason. Which I wasn't, and I'm not.

I actually GET this now. It didn't take much, but it didn't have to. If only I'd spoken out years ago. I'd have saved myself so much mental pain.

And thank you for the writing bit. I need sense kicked into me every so often re: it, because I never seem to catch the same drift as the popular writers. The insecurity just takes different forms as time goes on. :D

3) I know. I'm not alone. It's insane how ... not alone that makes me feel. ♥
Riakessie on July 27th, 2008 07:00 pm (UTC)
I can count the amount of people I've kissed on less than one hand. I lost my virginity at twenty-two. Am I glad I waited until it was with someone I had completely fallen for? Hell, yes.

And, yes, I agree, a lot of... not-very-nice people seemed to be having sex every which way you look, but I say wait for their next STD screening. >.>;

It's nothing to be ashamed of, really, regardless of what other people may think. I'm just saying this anyway, even though I suspect you won't believe me. :)

Edited at 2008-07-27 07:02 pm (UTC)
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 8th, 2008 09:20 pm (UTC)
And, yes, I agree, a lot of... not-very-nice people seemed to be having sex every which way you look, but I say wait for their next STD screening. >.>;

HAHAHA YES. I sometimes think about the casual one-night stand option, and then I'm like what if they give me HERPES, it would ruin sex for me for LIFE. Especially if I didn't know his last name or if he liked cats or could successfully wield a comma.

Heh, in terms of believing, I think I kind of do. :D
Neeryneery on July 27th, 2008 07:05 pm (UTC)
*hugs* It really isn't that rare for 22 year old people not to have had sex. I know lots of girls that age who haven't, and there's nothing wrong with any of them. And any boy who'd judge you for it isn't worth your time. Sure, virgins aren't usually that great in bed, but you're only a virgin once, and it's not like you need to be great in bed to get a boy off, anyway. And it's not like good sex takes that long to learn, especially if you come in with previous theoretical knowledge. None of the worthwhile boys I know would reject a girl for having no experience, and you really don't want to date the assholes who would.
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 8th, 2008 09:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much. Words so wise they're obvious - or they should have been. I guess I really needed to hear it from other people, though. ♥
scarletscarlet on July 27th, 2008 07:05 pm (UTC)
Just so you don't think it's only people you know who don't think there's anything deplorable about virginity - hiya :). I've a couple of friends my age who don't place a huge priority on sex, actually, and one hasn't got around to it yet. Also, I never would've picked *any* personal inexperience with anything from your writing.

And hell. I saw your picture on the fanartists/fanficcers meme; whose eyes are you using to come up with "nasty"? You're seriously cute. Not that it matters. But you are. Gah.
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 8th, 2008 09:25 pm (UTC)
I don't think I put a huge priority on it either - I'm sort of waiting for it to come to me? And getting annoyed when it doesn't? Maybe I should just stop worrying about it altogether.

Ha, it's a pity no guys I know, or anyone offline, thinks that! But thank you. :D
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every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on August 8th, 2008 09:27 pm (UTC)
Yeah - it's amazing how me, a person who writes slash, couldn't see the breakdown between the unreality of that and the unreality of the SEX part. Go team stupid, heh.

Maybe they don't think that; it could be all projection on my part. It's just that a lot of them aren't very nice people in general, and I hate the thought of them sniggering at me behind my back. Even though I don't like them! I just abhor pity.

I'm really trying not to worry, and all these comments have really bucked me up. So thank you. ♥