every Starbucks should have a polar bear (scoradh) wrote,
every Starbucks should have a polar bear

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advancing through her star-trimmed crowd

Whiny post of whiningness. Own it.

I figure, I figure, I figure.

The intern salary currently stands at 33,000 euro. With overtime, that usually goes up to between 60,000 (minimum) and 100,000 (maximum). This is always assuming that the HSE doesn't cut overtime due to the recession, which would SUCK MAJOR BALLS because interns would still have to work overtime with no pay. (If you need to admit patients/chase up blood results/do charting, you have to do it, because the consultant will ask you the next day 'Did you admit this patient?' and you can't actually say 'No I left her in the waiting room because she came in at 5:01, she's still there in a pool of her own blood, BOOYAH.') Let's hope for the minute that this does not happen, that the government aren't really the unfair fools I think they are - did you ever hear of any other civil servant working 100 hours a week and only getting paid for 40 of them? Teachers? Nurses? Those dudes who play with red tape? I DIDN'T THINK SO. Anyway. Assume I can bust my ass and earn 100,000 grand the first year. That's 50,000 after tax. So I could maybe split that and live on 25,000 in my intern year and take a year out afterwards and live on the other 25,000. I worked out with my mom that rent = 7000, running a car = 5000 (although if I lived in the city, I wouldn't really need to use a car that much; I walk everywhere now and I'm used to it), groceries = 5000 (again, I could cut this down if I continue in my current trend of not actually buying meat). I'm guessing I'd need 20,000 a year for essentials, which leaves me 5000 for, like, broadband and stuff. Not much? But it's doable. I hope.

Then I could take the next year out and just write, or do nothing. Because, you guys, I am SO VERY TIRED. I was lying in bed this morning trying to figure out when was the last time I had a holiday where it was legit to do nothing - to not catch up on study, write essays, prepare for exams, go over stuff - and it was the summer of my third year of HIGH SCHOOL. Granted, in every holiday there's days and always weeks where I do nothing in the above list, but guilt is in and of itself tiring. I think I'm perilously close to burn out. I'm tired all the damn time, and it's not just mental exhaustion any more, it's physical. I can't keep my eyes open in lectures and tutorials, I have no engagement in the clinical stuff, I come home and fall asleep for two hours. Actual sleep, the horrible hot black kind where you wake up afterwards and know you have to get up and do things instead of going back to sleep. I was always fond of napping, but it was dozing as opposed to actual sleep, and it wasn't every fucking day. I'm worried.

So that's one plan. But from where I'm standing, that's two and a half more years of this. I could just ride out till May 2010 and get my degree, but - WHAT THE FUCK WOULD I DO WITH IT? Everyone says a medical degree is fantastic, one of the best you can get. LIES. What do you do with it if you're not going to practise medicine - if you're not even going to register as a doctor? Seriously? I'm sick of hearing 'join an insurance company'. I'm sure they want someone with experience and also, I think my soul would die.

If I'd stuck to my tiny, plastic guns at the start and done scriptwriting/English/graphic design/fine art, I would be FINISHED NOW. I'd be looking for a job or in one, but it would be OVER. The reason I never pursued those paths was that I believed I wouldn't get a job. And it's true - none of those leads to a recession-proof job like doctorin'. But on the other hand, I could stand to have a little faith in myself. I'm smart, willing, hard-working and responsible. Maybe those are somewhat recession-proof traits, idek. When I talked to my course supervisor about dropping out back in October, she said I'd get a job anywhere. Maybe she was just being nice. Maybe she was right. I wish I'd had the self-belief then that I have now, too late.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I know what I should do, which is: go upstairs, finish reading Critical Care Medicine, finish my integrated case report with references, start revising urology, prepare psychiatry essays for the exam, and write the thingy on HIQA. Bigger picture? NO FUCKING CLUE.
Tags: dude where's my life?, work is much more fun than fun
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