Although I commend your taste in frilly white frocks - who wouldn't? - it would be a dereliction of duty if I did not inform you that ROMEO AND JULIET DIED IN THE END.
Really? REALLY? Did you REALLY just retard the progress of feminism twenty years, or am I imagining things? Plus, no one should wear those hip-enlarging leotards. No one. Ever.
Dear L'il Wayne,
Something of a misnomer, perhaps? Or did your anatomy fail to live up to your high expectations? And if that's the case, WHY ARE YOU ADVERTISING IT?
Dear Daniel Merriwether,
We've heard it all before. However, if you want to start a boyband with your friends Flora and Fauna, I'm all ears.
Dear Lady Gaga,
Trying to say your name aloud turns everyone into a twatsicle. This was your point, wasn't it?
Dear Kings of Leon,
I was never under you, but now I'm so over you. Brother #1, would it kill you to ENUNCIATE once in a while? Also, you bid fair to become as annoying and ubiquitous as Coldplay, given time. What indie cred?
Dear Britney Spears,
Still. Don't. Get. It. I didn't get it when we were both sixteen. I don't get it now. Plus, it annoys me yet that in that one song, there's a line that goes 'she's too fat/now she's too thin.' Sweetie, you were never too thin. At best, you're toned. Skinny? Get off the grass.
Dear Kid Crudi OH GOOD LORD THAT'S NOT A NAME, THAT'S A BULLY'S TAUNT,
I hope your dancers get paid more than prostitutes. Otherwise, what's the point?
/public service announcement