‘My wife is a lava lamp. Nice to look at, but not very bright.’
‘We call a girl in the pub Flasa. She thinks it’s cute, but she doesn’t realise what is means…Face Like A Slapped Arse’.
Just recalling all of MY nicknames.
Traintracks; very original, to be sure, but it never caught on. Many people in my class had them, I suppose that is why.
Pikachu: when I had that strange obsession with Pokemon. And unknowingly shipped Ash/Misty (or whatever her name was). Sadly, the passionate Pokeball lovemaking never materialised, and I went off Pokemon.
Avocados: thank you, Michael. Became a pretty settled one all through the last year of school. Apparently, it all came about because of sandwiches.
Josephine: because Sharon could never be arsed to call me, or indeed anyone else, by their real name. Her nicknames for my other friends were: Joe, Josie, Smokey Joe, Jo and Mr Joe.
How could I forget? Flaming Sheila. Total strangers (well, people I did not know in the school) called me this. There was a lot of Alf-lurve going on there.
I have a Plan. I am going to buy a guitar case and use it as a handbag. People will see it and because, obviously, it will not be…stiff, they will go ‘OMFG! A FLOPPY guitar!’
Thus, I will have intrigued and perplexed some portion of the population, and one of my life aims will be fulfilled.
And when they ask me where they can buy a floppy guitar, I will smile enigmatically and say softly, ‘Fish are your friends.’
MY TAKE ON THE DESIDERATA (and what the hell does that word mean, anyway?)
Go banging doors and yelling your head off amid the noise and the haste in order to go one better than everyone else, and remember how bloody boring silence is, especially on long car trips.
Be a bitch to everyone; it saves time, and surrender will never be an option.
Of course you know what you say is right, so shout it as loud as possible so no one is left in ignorance of TEH TRUE.
Avoid the dull and ignorant like the plague; their story will always be along the lines of: ‘Eh, how me corns ache, and did I tell you Suzie’s havin’ her second…?’ Be a loud and aggressive person if you have the hide of an armoured battle-elephant and think you can get away with it; the upside is, the dull and ignorant, also the quiet and boring, will cross the street to keep away from you. Comparing yourself with others is the Human State, and is responsible for everything from evolution to iPods, so indulge freely. When you become bitter, go see a shrink. If you cannot afford one, become one. It‘s the same difference, and the important thing is to keep the money in circulation.
If you have an inferiority complex, there will always be greater persons than you; if you have a superiority complex, there will always be lesser persons than you, and you usually have one or the other. It is a tradition or an old charter or something.
Revel in your achievements and possibly start a round robin to inform the world of them.
Do not spend your time planning, because everything is chance anyway. For those you know with five-year-plans, try on all occasions to slip a laxative in their tea.
Keep interested in your career in order to get a bigger company car than your neighbours and/or relatives. If you have business affairs, do not shag the secretary; too, too clichéd.
The world is full of trickery, and if you want to find out more, visit McDonalds.com, where they shall tell you that their food is healthy and made from actual animals.
Many persons strive for high ideals; they often die young and painfully, or become chartered accountants. Life is full of heroism. It has to be in order to survive the day.
Be yourself, but make sure you are someone worth being.
Only feign affection where the candidate is loaded, and if so invest in acting lessons in order to snag them. Then: run amok with their credit cards and take half their stuff when they divorce you. Neither be cynical about love; there is no need to waste energy on something that does not exist. Same goes for higher powers. Believe in yourself, because in your life you are the highest power there is.
Do not listen to what old people say; I know old people, and they refuse to get false teeth. It is icky.
If you do not have strength of spirit, do not post fanfic. Do not distress yourself with imaginings. You will never become the next Cassandra Claire. Even if you do, no one in RL will having a fucking clue who you are, and you will probably receive as many flames as anything else.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness, so go buy yourself some coffee/Red Bull and a lap dance.
Discipline is a nasty word, so be profligate and remember that you cannot eat money, and that without the Internet life would be rather dull. So pay your Broadband bills.
Metaphorically speaking, you may be a child of the universe; but remember that you are more likely to be its bastard. Trees are boring. The universe is chaotic and meaningless, so when you wake up at 3am worrying about the state of the world: do not bother. In a hundred years, it will be the same anyway.
Be at armed peace with God, because hell, if he exists we can thank him for the dolphins and kill him for the oil; if you cannot manage that, go with an uneasy truce and start gunrunning.
Labour, aspire, and one day I promise you might get the pension.
The world is a sham, full of drudgery and broken dreams and…well, that’s it, really.
Do not strive to be happy. You are or you are not; its an either/or situation, and you cannot teach an octopus to fly.
Finally, disregard everything you have just read and make up your own mind.
Yes, there are two lines that aren’t mine. One of them is T Pratchett’s, the other is Robert Rankin’s.
THE REAL DESIDERATA, by Max Ehrmann, for jolly comparison
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story to tell. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexacious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
I registered today for the art course. I am a Registering Queen. Unfortunately, the extension they are building will not be finished until the end of September. Therefore, I face another month at least of muddling on my portfolio on my own.
I mean, I am working with about three tubes of watercolour that are nearly older than I am, Crayola coloured pencils and drawing pillowcases. That’s right, pillowcases. I could not find any other fabric to draw - we do not even have curtains in hour house, for crying out loud. And the drawings/paintings keep turning out like stripy silk. It’s not right.
My brother bought his first CD today. Historic moment. I mean, he actually SPENT HIS OWN MONEY. Shock and bloody awe.
It was…Lost Prophets.
Well, they are not exactly lost if they are selling CDs, are they? And what, exactly, is prophetic about a song called ‘I am Godzilla and you are Japan’ (or something)? I want to know.
In other news, I have started reading the Bible. I hear the Book of Solomon has quite a raunchy reputation.
It is good to see Cian O’Connor upholding the grand Irish tradition of mouthing an odd word out of tune to the music when the darling Amhan Na bhFiann was played at the medal giving. At football and hurling matches, the only other times it is ever played, everyone belts out ‘Sinne Fianna Fail’…then it trails sadly away.
We will see him around for years to come. Forget huge American royalties for gold-medallists; HERE, he will have novelty value. Before Michelle Smith was written out of Irish history, she was on shampoo ads all over the place, although her hair as such never perceptibly improved.