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16 November 2005 @ 09:27 pm
I got published. Sorta.  

I had byline article in the university newspaper. I've posted it here, in case anyone is remotely interested in my journalistic shlock *uncontrollable laughter*. Probably I should be more psyched about it than I actually am -- my name! in print! -- but I'm just too bloody tired. The standard of the paper is hardly something to scream about and throw your knickers at, either. Plus, I have boy-troubles, of the 'fancying-completely-inappropriate-misogynists' brand, which makes it terribly hard to think straight.

Or at all.

On that happy note, I leave you my article.

 

Of course you’ve heard of the Hippocratic Oath. You know -- it’s the one that, tellingly, does not contain the words: “First, do no harm.” Hippocrates turns out to have been a doctor in about 400 BCE and not, as I’d previously suspected, an exotic type of French fry. However, it’s acknowledged by many that things written a long, long time ago, like in 1977, sometimes loose their relevance by the time they filter down to the “modern day.” (Not that I think that anyone understood Bohemian Rhapsody in the first place.)

In light of Ireland’s exemplary health system, which is spoken of in hushed tones the length and breadth of Europe, I thought I’d rewrite the Hippocratic Oath to more closely suit the ethos of the modern-day Irish medical practitioner. I wished to do our health-care system justice, for, God/s know, it deserves it. After all, when presented with Ireland’s shining example the people of Turkmenistan and Sub-Saharan Africa look on in speechless awe.

I’m using a translation of the original Oath from a few millennia ago, but there’s plenty of different versions. Mine will fit in just fine, I reckon. Here goes.

I swear by any God who’s listening -- but most appropriately the one who’s responsible for all the starving children, McDonald’s, the AIDs epidemic and George Bush -- making him/her/it/the corporation my witness, that I will carry out, according to my overworked ability and caffeine-boosted judgement, this oath and this indenture.

To mock and be bewildered by my teachers in this art, and in this same spirit and dedication also to mock and bewilder those to whom I may end up imparting a knowledge of the art of medicine. I swear to swindle as high a rate of fees as I possibly can from those who wish to learn, triple for foreigners. Woe betide those who must repeat a year, for through the nose shall they pay. I shall impart all possible instruction to the one genius in every class and the one genius on the wards; but to everyone else, up to and including my patients, you can just sit back and relax because all of this’ll be way over your heads. (Myocardial infarction? You what now?)

I will use treatment to help the sick according to my aforesaid overstressed, overworked and exhausted ability, and my coffee and Red Bull-saturated judgement, but never with a view to injury or wrong-doing except, the odd time, towards my fellow doctors. Oh, and sometimes my patients too if, for example, they have a womb they’re not using any more.

Neither will I administer a poison to anybody when asked to do so, unless I formally take up citizenship in Amsterdam; nor will I suggest such a course, except to my in-laws. Similarly, I will not give a woman a pessary (i.e. use a device) to cause abortion, but I will dispense the morning-after pill with a free hand because hell, I just don’t like to see pregnant fifteen-year-olds. But I will keep holy both my life and my art, putting as many holes in my liver I possibly can. Whiskey is the opium of the medics.

I will not use the knife, not even on sufferers from the stone; I will only undertake research in order to fulfil its purpose of the furtherance of the health of each individual. If the individual happens to be a private patient, they shall also receive more down time, better treatment, their own bedroom, one of those dinky little bells to fetch nurses, yea, and a choice between venison and roast peacock at mealtimes. The private patients shall convalesce in comfortable beds with Chantilly lace covers and 13-tog duvets. Public patients can count themselves damn lucky if they don’t contract lurgy from sharing a trolley with twelve other people in a corridor. After all, they’re not on a waiting list any more, are they?

Into whatsoever houses I enter, I will enter to help the sick and will abstain from all intentional wrong-doing and harm, especially from abusing the bodies of my patients. Of course, we’re only human, so be warned: if you get me out of my bed in the middle of the night because you’ve got a little cough, remember I’m a health Professional (please to be noting the capital letter, bitches) which allows, no, entitles me to own lots of scalpels. Sharp ones.

Whatsoever I shall see or hear in the course of my profession, if it be what should not be published abroad -- or even in the local rags (I’m looking at you, The Irish Sun) -- I will never divulge, holding such things to be holy secrets. This also applies to tribunals and governments with evil plans for increased accountability and “freedom of information.” Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

Now if I carry out this oath, and break it not, may I gain for ever reputation among all people for my life and for my art. A reputation for my life, which shall resemble the lovechild of an unholy union between a pantheon of god complexes and Dr Cox with a hangover; and for my art, which, yea verily, shall be corporate, minimalist, ugly and worth more than what any of my patients earn in a year.

If I transgress this oath and forswear myself, may I be forced to live with arts graduates and become an expert on the theoretical control of space and time. Finally, for all those who call upon doctors to be kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic and warm: bugger that for a game of soldiers. I’m off to the pub.

***

Just realised that this will make no sense whatsoever to anyone who isn't from Ireland.

Blast.

 
 
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: "A little piece of advice," the Beautiful South
 
 
 
kabeyk on November 16th, 2005 01:34 pm (UTC)
Well yeah, but you're still always funny.x

kxx
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Dumble fuscoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:48 am (UTC)
Lookin'.

:P
(no subject) - kabeyk on November 18th, 2005 11:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
ex_ella_bane358 on November 16th, 2005 02:16 pm (UTC)
Plus, I have boy-troubles

Stay away from the bad boys! Even though I know how incredibly sexy they can be.

I love your version of the H.O. :) Very funny. ♥

Neither will I administer a poison to anybody when asked to do so, unless I formally take up citizenship in Amsterdam This made me laugh right out loud.

And because I know you like this sort of thing:
sometimes loose their relevance (loose should be lose here)


I know the article has already been published, but yeah, you know.

AND DON'T ASK ME ABOUT AFFC! I've only now just started, but I've got a few beta jobs to finish, as well as tidying up my Smutmas, and of course, every relative I have in the world is visiting me in the next few weeks. Poor Ella.

Also, I see that your H/R got recced all over. It sucks because I WAS GOING TO REC it first. Oh well. I shall still do it. ♥
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Don't quote me -- Wildescoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:47 am (UTC)
Yes, I actually think I shall. One day I'll find someone decent. Who will probably be a cat, but still.

Thank you! And it doesn't matter, really, I don't think anyone will actually notice. Reading is a skill to be applauded in its own right round here!

Keep it as a Christmas present to yourself or something! And then tell me all. And rec. I like recs. They're so shiny. Pssh.
moocow: [DOM] is fashionably pink and fabulosomisconstrue on November 16th, 2005 03:01 pm (UTC)
haha. that was funny. Most of it was over my head, due to the not from Ireland bit, but what I did understand was good. :D
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Forever with youscoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:49 am (UTC)
Yeah, I just pressed post in a fit of pique. However, 'bitch' and stuff is prurty universal, niente? :)
sibility on November 16th, 2005 03:03 pm (UTC)
Plus, I have boy-troubles, of the 'fancying-completely-inappropriate-misogynists' brand, which makes it terribly hard to think straight.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN. Luckily, I'm misogynist-free, but I'm madly in love with my ex again, who's a foot shorter than me, wears 5-inch heels, and is so fantastically prtteh that I just want to eat him every time he does something like, well, stand. By. Me. Um.

Leaving now kthxbai.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: boykissscoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:51 am (UTC)
Or, try this one on for size: wanting to throw down and ravish someone for having such an amazing MOUTH -- all while having a tutorial on how to tell a patient that they're dying.

*sits back*

It don't get much more inappropriate than that!
(no subject) - sibility on November 17th, 2005 01:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Insufferable, man.: fruitycynicalpirate on November 16th, 2005 03:14 pm (UTC)
*screams and throws knickers*

Misogynists are hot. Oh God, that needs to be iconed.

Oh, and sometimes my patients too if, for example, they have a womb they’re not using any more.

the individual happens to be a private patient, they shall also receive more down time, better treatment, their own bedroom, one of those dinky little bells to fetch nurses, yea, and a choice between venison and roast peacock at mealtimes.

A reputation for my life, which shall resemble the lovechild of an unholy union between a pantheon of god complexes and Dr Cox with a hangover


I think I just cut myself on your razor wit.
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:44 am (UTC)
YES, THEY ARE. WHY, GOD, WHY? WHAT KIND OF SUPREME LACK OF ORGANISATIONAL SKILLS IS THIS?!

I can probably sew it up in two or three years time. Can you wait? xD

I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
starts with kanyotherknight on November 16th, 2005 03:29 pm (UTC)
Woe. Irish medical humour is only relative to Canadian at it's base level.

but never with a view to injury or wrong-doing except, the odd time, towards my fellow doctors.

You, however, are Red Bull-saturated bust-gut love.
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:52 am (UTC)
I know Canadians now! *is proud* LOTSA them, actually. They are remarkably and irritatingly clear-skinned.

*takes a bow*
Jaximadra_blue on November 16th, 2005 06:38 pm (UTC)
Dude, it made enough sense to me, and it cracked me up. Congrats on the publication, and it was truly awesome, and very pignant, even across the pond. ♥
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Dancing crabscoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:48 am (UTC)
Ha, your approval means so much. *bows; scrapes a little* From what they tell us, the American students that is, it isn't all that different over there anyway. xD
Linz: p&p raina_linz on November 16th, 2005 06:40 pm (UTC)
Same for me, what I got was incredibly funny. No, it wasn't just please to be noting the capital letter, bitches :P

I'll be excited for you, if you must concentrate on the boy trouble stuff instead *hugs* *hands over the chocolate*
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:39 am (UTC)
Ha, I was most worried about that part, because of the, you know *lowers voice* swear word. There are so many fandom things in it, it's not funny -- you what now? And I got the behind the curtain part from an icon!

Oh, what a great icon! And it's quite easy to ignore the boys once you've talked to one of the girls and realised that every single good-looking boy in your class is interested only in notching their bedposts. xD
(no subject) - a_linz on November 17th, 2005 10:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on November 21st, 2005 01:04 am (UTC) (Expand)
gwathhenation: slashgwathhenation on November 16th, 2005 08:53 pm (UTC)
That. Killed. Me. Dead.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Cigarette mangascoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:46 am (UTC)
Manslaughter or murder, do you think?
(no subject) - gwathhenation on November 21st, 2005 08:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on December 6th, 2005 12:04 am (UTC) (Expand)
Liz_eliza_b on November 16th, 2005 09:16 pm (UTC)
:) I may not have understood the Irish-related stuff, but the rest of it was awesome. Congrats!
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Fluffy the destroyer of worldsscoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:37 am (UTC)
Thankee kindly, dear! Good to see you around again. xD
Caitcoralia13 on November 16th, 2005 11:04 pm (UTC)
This is really funny and really well-written, and yes, I am sure it would be even better were I from Ireland! Congratulations on the publication!!! I know things like that don't necessarily feel exciting at the time, but, really, that's pretty cool. Yay! :D
Caitcoralia13 on November 16th, 2005 11:05 pm (UTC)
PS Boys? Tell.
(no subject) - scoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - coralia13 on November 20th, 2005 09:41 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on November 21st, 2005 01:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - coralia13 on November 21st, 2005 12:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on November 22nd, 2005 11:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - coralia13 on November 27th, 2005 06:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on December 6th, 2005 12:07 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - coralia13 on December 7th, 2005 05:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on December 8th, 2005 12:58 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - coralia13 on December 8th, 2005 09:37 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on December 8th, 2005 09:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - coralia13 on December 8th, 2005 09:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - coralia13 on November 20th, 2005 09:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
My imaginary friend thinks I'm brilliant.: Burstlanitha on November 17th, 2005 12:54 am (UTC)
*gigglefits*

*knows that is not a word*
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:44 am (UTC)
Baby, it is now!
someone's always looking for DB Coopernumena on November 17th, 2005 01:17 am (UTC)
Minus the whole not-from-Ireland-so-I-didn't-understand-bits-of-it thing, that was hilarious. (Not the 'oh that was pretty funny' definition, but the actual 'laughed so hard pepsi went up my nose and the neighbors now think there's a crazy laughing girl living next door' definition.)

And here: Prince Of Tennis 01. It might take a while to download (depending on your connection speed, mine isn't particularly fast, so it took a couple hours) but it SHOULD work. If it does let me know and I'll put the other four up. If not - I'm sure there's another way.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Fandom lovescoradh on November 17th, 2005 08:45 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you! Because it was meant to be sharp, you know? Not just mildly humourous. *hugs self*

... link no workey? But never mindy. *sends out Buddhist vibes of calm*
(no subject) - numena on November 17th, 2005 02:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - scoradh on November 21st, 2005 05:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - numena on November 21st, 2005 10:05 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Ksaturnial on November 17th, 2005 03:32 pm (UTC)
Northern Ireland or Eire? Just out of Curiosity.


(Fucking Brilliant... :D)
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Fandom lovescoradh on November 20th, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
Well, Eire, but technically that's a name the British made up so they wouldn't have to acknowledge the Republic. So, Southern Ireland. xD
henbock on November 23rd, 2005 04:32 am (UTC)
long time no vit c
hey you never said that you got published well done good stuff. ok you must come down when youre finished your exams ok nd we'll go out ok ive totally forgotten how to spell or even punctuate so whats new with you
(Anonymous) on November 23rd, 2005 04:34 am (UTC)
Re: long time no vit c
just in reply to krissona its not called eire ok only anglophiles call it that which no one in ireland is right!!!!