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29 November 2005 @ 07:08 pm
Life is ...  

I promised myself I wouldn't post until I caught up on the flist; however, I was struck with a case of the verboses. Besides, my class rep's iTunes has just become available on the shared network thingamajig, and I need an excuse to be listening to her music and not, eg, studying.

I have exams in two weeks! *breaks out the Moet and Chandon. whatever the hell they are*

I'm sure you all have this irrepressible desire to read the piece of SW silliness I wrote for Jaxmari's birthday. I can feel your eagerness across oceans, continents -- ah, no, the bitch just cut off her iTunes! All I have to listen to is "Cian has pictures of two small naked boys as his screensaver"'s music. I'm so not voting for her again. I can't remember if I did the first time. I hope not.

I got me no Bon Jovi. Sadness.

ETA: Errr ... smex warning?! (I just re-read it.)


George Lucas sat in his small office, scribbling feverishly. He was gripped in the midst of an unassailable muse. Every word fell from his pen as if inspired by an angel.


A certain type of angel.

But then again, those represented by everyone from Michaelangelo and da Vinci, Botticelli and onwards, had been either naked, gorgeously muscled and effete, or naked, plump and effete. George was comforted to be among such distinguished, respected and so very obviously gay company. It gave such strength to his own mission.

His producer burst through the door, almost taking it off its hinges. George didn't look up. He had just got a handle on a particularly spicy bit of dialogue between Obi Wan Kenobi, who was just wearing his Jedi pants, and a young Anakin Skywalker, who wasn't wearing much of anything at all. George fancied that their words told a blistering trail of love and tragedy, mostly in four letter words preceded by "I want to."

"What is this?" screamed the producer. "You said you were going to write something that would make the world sit up and look! You said you were going to write an epic that would span generations and spawn a whole slew of merchandising products and ridiculously quotable lines! You said!"

"That's what I am doing." George licked his pen. "What do you think of this one -- 'May the Force be inside you when I come so hard I see stars'?"

The producer stared at him. George wore an expression of happy benovolence.

He took a deep breath.

And shrieked, "I think it's depraved and disgusting!"

George looked disappointed. "Do you think it should be a tad more romantic? Perhaps 'May the Force be inside you as we make love with great tenderness and chemistry'?"

"George, George, George." The producer rested his hands on Geogre's desk and attempted to continue breathing. He noticed some script between Padme and Yoda. "In your panties, I want to be?" he repeated faintly.

"Oh, that." George wrinkled his nose. "I don't think that quite captures the tone I want. I think I'll make Padme a boy, then have her seduce Anakin away from Obi Wan Kenobi and turn him to the Dark Side!" He made a note. "You are such an inspiration. You should visit more often. Bye now."

"No." The producer shook his head frantically. "Look at me, George. Lookit me. You cannot write GAY ROMANTIC SCIENCE FICTION. This is the SEVENTIES. I know everyone's high, but I think they'd notice the hot mansex in EVERY OTHER SCENE. And they would not be happy. More to the point, the Film Censorship Board would kill us and hide the bodies and nobody would care and we'd never work again."

"I don't mind," said George placidly. "The main thing is to spread the love. It is of course the love of sweet boy-touching to which I refer. What could be better?"

"I have some ideas ..." The producer snatched up a few pages, tore them in a few places as George watched in abject horror, and shuffled them together again. "There you go, take a gander at that."

"The Jedi ... good and bad sex is just a point of view ... the shith of your passion ... love sex too." George wrinkled his nose. "That's terrible! It makes no sense!"

"Yes, I know. But if we take out the sex, see?" The producer grabbed George's pen, saw that it was a quill, and stared for a minute. "I visualise possiblities for these."

"In a sci-fi film?" George raised his eyebrows.

"Yes, you're right. I suppose giving Anakin an interesting scar would be out of the question -- sorry, I don't know what came over me --"

"Anakin does have a scar," George informed him. "One day, Obi Wan got a bit rough in his 'Jedi training,' hur, hur, hur, and now he has the most enormous hickey on his --"

"Shut up," hissed the producer. "Here, look at this."

George read it aloud. "'The Jedi, dear boy, want power.' Why power?"

"It's better than sex," said the producer testily. "Read on."

"Okay, okay. 'Good and bad is just a point of view. The Sith' -- wait, the who?"

"You misspelled 'sheath' in sheath of your passion." The producer shrugged. "What can I say, I have these flights of pure genius."

"Okay, they can be the good guys!" said George enthusiastically. "'The Sith want power too.' Okay, I can see where you're going with this. Harems of beautiful boy slaves will be involved, won't they?"

"Not to put too fine a point on it," said the producer, "but no, never, and not while I live."

"Damn, you really know how to limit a guy's artistic license," complained George. "Next thing I know you'll want me to scrap the whole thing in favour of that stupid script about the farm boy and the light sabres I wrote back when I was a virgin!" He sighed. "I had such a penchant for phallic imagery back then."

"Do you -- have that here?" asked the producer, hardly daring to hope.

"Sure, it's in that filing cabinet." George went back to his scene. Obi Wan Kenobi appeared to have lost his Jedi pants, but George had also lost his enthusiasm for writing it. Sighing, he quickly went through the dialogue for some hardcore, three-act sex, throwing in a few whips and a twelve-inch dildo because he was feeling quite uninspired, and threw down his pen.

The producer was sitting in a corner, holding a dog-eared script in his hands as Lancelot would the Holy Grail. At intervals, he was chuckling to himself.

"I have an idea," he muttered. "Let's make this one first!"

"But there are three films to go before any of that happens!" objected George. "I haven't even decided how that Luke is supposed to be born out of gay sex!"

"Never mind," said the producer. "We can work that out as we go along. Once we've finished this film. Or, you know, we could probably get two or three out of it. May the Force be with you!"

"In you, you mean," George corrected him. "I don't know why you're so excited. There's not even any gay subtext in that script!"

"Yes," said the producer, "I know."

Twenty years later

"Yes, George," sighed the producer.

"I think I understand," said George. "You want me to be more subtle about the huge gay mansex?"

Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: "More than a feeling", Boston
kabeyk on November 29th, 2005 12:24 pm (UTC)
I love you, you're fucking hilarious.x

There's something just too amusing about GAY ROMANTIC SCIENCE FICTION.

kabeyk on November 29th, 2005 12:26 pm (UTC)
Also yes, icon, get me! :P

every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Frog cardsscoradh on December 2nd, 2005 05:52 am (UTC)
Consider yourself got.

every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Fluffy the destroyer of worldsscoradh on December 2nd, 2005 05:51 am (UTC)

That's what is, though, isn't it? According to the SWers ...xD
Donna: Forddsbs on November 29th, 2005 12:59 pm (UTC)
Mwahaha. Beautiful. And thank you, that just took 7 minutes out of my study time.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Forever with youscoradh on December 2nd, 2005 05:51 am (UTC)
7 minutes, pah! Try seventy. That's ME. xD
Lord Marmaduke Newbrycatsmeat on November 29th, 2005 03:21 pm (UTC)
Where's mine, then?
every Starbucks should have a polar bearscoradh on December 2nd, 2005 05:51 am (UTC)
I'm working on it.
Lord Marmaduke Newbrycatsmeat on December 2nd, 2005 09:41 am (UTC)
Liz_eliza_b on November 29th, 2005 04:06 pm (UTC)
mostly in four letter words preceded by "I want to."
Mwa-ha-ha. Brilliant as always.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Jesus the Puffscoradh on December 2nd, 2005 05:51 am (UTC)
Fanks. :P

I'm listening to John Mayer.

Just thought I'd share.