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02 July 2006 @ 12:35 am
Who ate all the pies?  
It is my considered opinion that the World Cup, and sports matches in general, would be greatly enhanced by the addition of soundtracks.

For example.

During boring parts (when the ball is only being passed around the field in case Beckham breaks a nail), a plinky-plinky sound, reminiscent of Greensleeves, elevator musak, or whatever they play to you when you're put on hold, comes on.

During deeply exciting (relatively speaking) parts, like own-goals or goals or baskets or ... tries ... we'll get the Jaws theme.

When someone gets a red card, it should be accompanied by a crashing overture; Mozart or Beethoven for preference.

And of course whenever anything truly emotional happens (involving Beckham's nail/foot, Wayne Rooney's foot, Michael Owen's foot, or Ireland actually getting in a penalty in an actual World Cup match), we'll hear something emotastic like the lastest from Coldplay and/or Snow Patrol.

Yes, I hate all team sports. Today I watched Wimbleton. In Irish. Because the Irish channel is the only one covering it. Thank god I read a book on tennis all those years ago when I decided I wanted to learn to play. What with the Irish commentary, 'fifteen-love' et al was the only clue that suggested that Andre Agassi was actually playing a match and not, say, doing a hat advertisment. 

The only thing that makes sports interesting is when they're a) fictional and b) a backdrop for the slash. "Oh, your ankle looks so swollen. Here, let me rub it for you. I use this special massage that makes you feel so relaxed. It's fantastic. Also an icepack."

Current Location: Tortuga
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: 1963 (Rachel Yamagata)
llonnylloneke on July 2nd, 2006 12:21 am (UTC)
You are brilliant! I always wondered why sports seemed so much better in movies. Because of the soundtrack. And the editing, I suppose.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Armageddonscoradh on July 2nd, 2006 07:30 pm (UTC)
I am a firm believer in the idea of all life having a soundtrack. Which is why I'm rarely to be found sans iPod stuck in my ears. Deaf by thirty? A strong likelihood ...
Geovikigeoviki on July 2nd, 2006 01:16 am (UTC)
"Oh, your ankle looks so swollen. Here, let me rub it for you. I use this special massage that makes you feel so relaxed. It's fantastic. Also an icepack."

Oh. I want that. Not even in a fic -- I want it in real life.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Chuck Norrisscoradh on July 2nd, 2006 07:21 pm (UTC)
That's one thing I find with fics (as I have never sprained my ankle IRL, I can't comment there). At least in HP, you can't have that sort of situation. No leaning on someone to hobble off the pitch, no icing of ankles, no deep heat massages ... you point a wand and hey presto! All fixed.

... it's kind of disappointing. Do you find you always have to reset to 'magic' when writing? No wonder most fantasy authors make magic a finite resource, only to be used in the direst of situations. It's too much to handle on a constant basis!
(Deleted comment)
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Armscoradh on July 2nd, 2006 07:33 pm (UTC)
Ha, spork. That is my username on college message boards. Of course everyone assumed I was talking about the item of cutlery.

Swimming in the Prefect's bath. I always loved those fics.

Usually I'd advise staying, but boys-and-football is the direst combination since ice cream-and-onions.

Margravine Palavar: Beach Margravinemargravine on July 2nd, 2006 04:26 am (UTC)
It's ideas like this that can make all the difference. Who do I have to petition to get you appointed as some sort of High Inquisitor of Team Sports? Beer companies perhaps? I have a strong feeling it's all run by beer companies.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Apollo balletscoradh on July 2nd, 2006 07:36 pm (UTC)
EVERYTHING is run by beer companies. But I can forgive them, because the advertising is just so good.

Liz_eliza_b on July 2nd, 2006 06:50 am (UTC)
During boring parts (when the ball is only being passed around the field in case Beckham breaks a nail)

...the sad thing is, that doesn't seem to be too far off from the truth.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Art thou a witch?scoradh on July 2nd, 2006 07:04 pm (UTC)
The man wears sarongs, Alice bands and lip gloss. He defies belief, if not description (closet transvestite, anyone?).
1ightning: lightning old1ightning on July 2nd, 2006 07:40 am (UTC)
In all honesty, at the end of the football game some players did look like they'd fallen into a RPS fic, what with the fondling and the tender stroking of cheeks...

I totally agree with the music thing. Except that when Rooney got sent off, they should have played 'Everybody Hurts' for the guy whose nuts he stamped on.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: So ... yeahscoradh on July 2nd, 2006 07:06 pm (UTC)
Well, they do call it the 'beautiful' game. Not the 'masculine' or 'pumping' or 'skillful' or anything vaguely testosterone-laden. Beautiful. Like art or women or mansex ...

Totally! Because Rooney was totally mad at Stomped-On for scamming on him with Renaldo (after all, Renaldo winked at his coach after).
Insufferable, man.: paperplatecynicalpirate on July 2nd, 2006 01:23 pm (UTC)
I ate all the pies.
Did you watch the England/Portugal match? Did you see the sexual tension just before? The headbutting and the Renaldo whispering something lewd in Rooney's ear and Rooney turning magenta and later getting sent off for getting all heated and pushing Renaldo (to assert his dominance). And then Renaldo winked.

That's how I get through football. By imposing slashy context on every damn thing.

Mmm, icepack. *is hot*
foreign thinks about you: dick and his catforeignthinks on July 2nd, 2006 03:29 pm (UTC)
Re: I ate all the pies.
Sorry. Spontaniously melted at description. Any caps?
Insufferable, man.: pornocynicalpirate on July 2nd, 2006 05:04 pm (UTC)
Re: I ate all the pies.
Alas, have not been able to find any as of yet. Most of them are of actual, boring, football, such as people kicking the ball and scoring penalties. There are a few of Rooney stamping on one of Renaldo's team mates (just before he then pushes him), butt no good quality ones.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Bitchsmitescoradh on July 2nd, 2006 07:12 pm (UTC)
Re: I ate all the pies.
Ah now, I don't watch any of these matches. I get all my info from my mother's anguished screams, the newspapers and DJs interrupting my favourite songs to tell me "HOMG ROONEY GOT A RED CARD. A RED CARD I SAY I SAY."

Do NOT make me think of Rooney/Ronaldo/changing room showers. DO NOT.
Insufferable, man.: crazygolfcynicalpirate on July 2nd, 2006 07:31 pm (UTC)
Re: I ate all the pies.
Well, in truth I don't really see why anyone would voluntarily have sex with Wayne Rooney (other than the obvious financial gain) but, y'know, Steven Gerrard... *forces you to think of changing room showers*

Becks really doesn't do it for me. Not the beer, the futbolista. Just... notsomuch.

My mother screams at football matches too. Even when there's no-one on that she even remotely supports, and the countries playing are, e.g. Antarctica and the Czech Republic.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Arabesquescoradh on July 2nd, 2006 07:39 pm (UTC)
Re: I ate all the pies.
Apparently he hits Coleen. Not that I can't say I wouldn't be driven to it myself, but that's so not cool.

Good grief, who does he do it for? Certainly not Posh, if her wind-tunnel look is anything to go by. Surely you wouldn't get plastic surgery like that if you actually wanted to attract someone?

My mother REALLY wanted England to win. Odd, given that she's the only full-blood Irish person in the house and there's that whole seven hundred years of slavery or whatever behind her.

Me, I just want it to be over. And for PotC to come out. So I can write fic.
Insufferable, man.: pimpcynicalpirate on July 2nd, 2006 07:48 pm (UTC)
Re: I ate all the pies.
Rooney is a happy little hobgoblin of sorts. He's quite sweet, I think.
Beckham is Paris Hilton plus testosterone and minus the little dog. Oh no, wait, that's Posh.

PotC fic, or regular?
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Doctor?scoradh on July 2nd, 2006 09:29 pm (UTC)
Re: I ate all the pies.
Paris Hilton in drag = Beckham!

PotC fic. Involving, somehow, Jack Sparrow. [eee]
foreign thinks about you: fabulously lazyforeignthinks on July 2nd, 2006 03:35 pm (UTC)
Football is slash. But lol at this entry.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Chatting ballerinasscoradh on July 2nd, 2006 07:18 pm (UTC)
Given the way any female sport seems carelessly shoved aside, remains under-funded and under-acknowledged, I'm not surprised. After all, once we take a bazooka to the WAGs, what have you got left? A tonne of highly charged poncy men.

It is not good that I feel the urge to ship Rooney/Ronaldo. NOT GOOD AT ALL.
foreign thinks about you: Brideshead Summerforeignthinks on July 3rd, 2006 12:10 am (UTC)
Man oh man. I feel the urge to ship Ronaldo anybody. You seen those lips?
I`ve seen loads of slash picspams on many a respectable lj-community( and , that is) that show M. Ronaldo`s inner man-love.

This picture being a favourite:
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: Fangirlscoradh on July 3rd, 2006 08:35 pm (UTC)
Re: pimp!christiano
This picture? Is a thing of beauty and a joy forever. It's as simple as that.

[drools surreptitiously]
amazing vaguely humanoid armadilloperson: ... just like Vincent Pricecryptid on July 2nd, 2006 08:21 pm (UTC)
Next time I'm stuck next to a TV screen with a football game on (as happened just yesterday, in fact, and why is it that a TV can so effectively kill all attempts of conversation and socialising?), I shall have to make my brain supply soundtrack music and suggestive commentary. I did manage to get some small amusement from overhearing the phrase 'Neville seeks Crouch', but that didn't go a very long way. Football = bah, humbug.
every Starbucks should have a polar bear: I aen't dedscoradh on July 2nd, 2006 09:30 pm (UTC)
Once, long ago, I attempted to watch and follow a football match all the way through. A futile effort. I think they should organise it better, to make it look more like a Bollywood dance number and thus enhance viewer satisfaction.