every Starbucks should have a polar bear (scoradh) wrote,
every Starbucks should have a polar bear

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PoT Fic: A Night in the Beer Garden of Earthly Delights

Title: A Night in the Beer Garden of Earthly Delights
Pairing: Momo/Kaidoh
Disclaimer: Konomi is the king of everything.

I decided to write a Tenipuri party!fic after watching Thirteen. I hated the film Thirteen. I hope the fic bears no resemblance to it, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't as it contains enough fluff to stuff a pillow. Thank you to moshi for reading it over and liking it (♥), and also to my brother for brainstorming titles with me. His idea was 'Beer Garden,' which I think is lamer than mine but not by much.

A Night in the Beer Garden of Earthly Delights
by scoradh

Momo first heard about the party through Echizen. Not that Echizen took the slightest interest in parties -- when scientists talked about social animals, they had to add ‘except people called Echizen.’

No, Echizen had found out because he was planning on playing street tennis, or extra tennis on Saturday, or tennis against the entire Hyotei team -- something to do with tennis. One thing you could be sure about: where Echizen went, tennis followed.

Because Echizen had asked Kaidoh about tennis (on the street on Saturday against all of Hyotei), somehow Kaidoh had actually managed to act like a civil human being and carry on a conversation with him. He ended up telling Echizen about this party his cousin was having on Saturday night. He’d even invited Echizen, but of course all that interested Echizen about the entire conversation was the part where they talked about Kaidoh’s new racquet.

“So it’s a beer party,” pressed Momo. He was too excited to even eat his second burger.

“Yeah, maybe.” Echizen drained his cup of soda. “Why are you so interested anyway?”

“Ah, you’re only a kid -- you don’t understand,” said Momo loftily. Echizen scowled; a minute later, Momo was clutching his leg in pain. For such a short person, Echizen had a hefty kick. “What do you think? I’m going to crash it.”

“You’re crazy,” said Echizen flatly. “I’m getting another burger.”

“Here, have mine.” Momo pushed his away.

Echizen looked at him as if he were dying.

“Are you dying?” he asked.

“Don’t be stupid,” laughed Momo, but after carefully angling his chair away from Echizen’s feet. “I have to go -- I need to buy some new clothes for Saturday.”

“Why are you dressing up to go to Kaidoh’s cousin’s party? Kaidoh might not even be there.”

Momo felt a moment of disappointment. “Did he say he wasn’t going to be there?”

“No.” Echizen grabbed Momo’s burger. Through a huge bite, he added, “If you want to see him so bad, can’t you just meet him after school?”

Momo scowled. “I don’t want to see him! I just want to crash his party and make him mad.”

Echizen mumbled a reply through a mouthful of processed carbohydrates. Momo pretended he didn’t understand him, but he was pretty sure Echizen said something like: “What’s the difference?”

So that was how Momo ended up outside a large house on Saturday night, patting down his new trousers and wondering if he’d made a terrible mistake. The house was decked out in lights like a cruise ship, and scantily-dressed girls were wandering all over the lawn. He paused at the gate, trying to count the bottles littering the grass. Just as he got to forty-seven and his nerve began to falter, he heard a distinct hiss from behind him.

“You,” said the hiss, so Momo turned around to say “Me” in a smooth and winning way. His words died on his lips when he saw Kaidoh standing in front of him. His hair was as sleek as a baby seal’s and for once shorts, bandanas and sneakers didn't play a starring role in his outfit. However, it wasn’t these astonishing facts that caught Momo’s attention so much as the gorgeous girl beside him.

She was small and shiny and went in and out in all the right places. A lot. She was like a walking mountain range. Momo could tell that his mouth and eyes were wide open, but he couldn’t help himself.

It was so typical of life that Kaidoh got to date a porn star.

The girl tugged on Kaidoh’s arm and giggled. “Do you know this guy, Kaoru-chan? He’s cute.” She giggled again.

Kaidoh looked as if he’d swallowed a pint of Inui’s Special Juice. “Yumi-chan, this is Momoshiro-kun. He’s on my tennis team. Momoshiro-kun, this is Yumi-san.”

“Oh, you can call me Yumi-chan,” said Yumi, sweeping back her veil of hair.

Kaidoh scowled deeper. “No, he can’t.”

“You can call me Momo-chan,” replied Momo, rather dazedly. “Everyone does.”

“I don’t,” snapped Kaidoh.

“Shut up, Mamushi.” Momo smiled at Yumi, wondering why Kaidoh hadn’t introduced her as his girlfriend. Maybe that meant that she wasn’t.

“It’s nice to meet you, Momo-chan.” Yumi tripped forward on staggeringly high heels. Their colour reminded Momo of Kaidoh’s blood. “Did you know that your eyes are almost purple?”

“Uh, yeah.” Momo scratched his head. Aside from the girls who brought him lunches at school and giggled at him from corners, he hadn’t had much interaction with the female species. Did they think boys didn’t own mirrors?

“I’ll meet you inside, Kaoru-chan,” trilled Yumi. “I want to catch up with Natsuko-chan. I’m sure you two have plenty to talk about!”

Momo watched her sway off, mesmerised. His pleasurable staring was interrupted by an angry cough from Kaidoh. Momo transferred his gaze to Kaidoh, grinning.

“Hey, can I call you Kaoru-chan too?”


A boy in a green Hawaiian shirt that clashed horribly with his orange cargo trousers tossed two beer cans in their direction. They both caught them instantly, prompting the boy to cheer.

“Drink!” he urged them. “You can’t come to a party and not drink!”

“Good point.” Momo slipped his fingers under the tab. This party was looking up.

Suddenly, Kaidoh’s hand was on top of his own and prying his fingers loose.

“What are you doing?” protested Momo. “You’ve got your own.”

Kaidoh looked, if possible, even angrier. He yanked his hand away and hissed again. “If you want to spray beer all over yourself, fine.”

“No, Kaoru-chan, I don’t want to spray it. I want to drink it.” Momo gestured at the guests on the lawn, all of whom were doing just that -- or something within ninety degrees of it.

“Stupid! It’s all fizzed up from being thrown around!” Momo recoiled from Kaidoh’s face, which was even more intimidating when his forehead was bare. “And don’t call me Kaoru-chan.”

Kaidoh strode into the house. For lack of anything better to do, Momo followed him. As soon as they stepped inside, Kaidoh was engulfed in a crowd of chattering girls. Momo watched in utter amazement as Kaidoh’s cheeks were smeared with pearly lip gloss and his hair was patted like a dog’s fur. There were resounding cries about how cute Kaidoh had become, which made Momo wonder if he hadn’t stumbled into a convention for the blind.

Momo’s only consolation was that Kaidoh seemed to dislike his sudden popularity as much as Momo, doing everything but shying away from the multi-coloured fingernails. The girls were not to be deterred, however.

One of them spotted Momo. “He looks familiar!” she cried. “Does he play tennis with you, Kaoru-kun?”

“Yes, unfortunately,” muttered Kaidoh. Momo quickly forgave him for that, because at the affirmative the girls descended upon him like a tsunami wave.

Momo let their endless stream of chatter spill over him, catching words here and there. ‘Cute!’ was a popular one. He heard his name in conjunction with Kaidoh’s a bit too often, but that couldn’t be helped. Kaidoh, like the dumbass he was, looked relieved to have the attention taken away from him.

A girl who was taller, prettier and scowlier than all the rest got a hold of Momo. “Momoshiro-kun, eh?” she said. “You must be the one Kaoru-chan talks about all the time. I’m Natsuko-san, Kaoru-chan's cousin.”

“Nice to meet you.” Momo smiled nervously. It was like looking at a female version of Kaidoh, complete with that upper-lip curl that made Momo itch to get his hands on a racquet. He wondered what Natsuko's remark meant. Momo hardly imagined that the mention of his name spawned light dinnertime conversation in the Kaidoh household.

“Natsuko-chan!” Kaidoh’s hiss sounded strangled now, as if the snake that lived in his throat was being squashed to death by an elephant. “I do not!”

“Why, is there another cute boy on your team with hair like a brush and purple eyes?” demanded Natsuko. “I’m definitely going back to middle school if there is.”

Kaidoh blushed like he did when he was about to collapse from exhaustion or had to answer a question in class. Momo watched, fascinated. It was a pity Inui wasn’t here; he’d be getting data faster than he could write. Momo wondered if he could convince Natsuko to umpire his next match with Kaidoh.

Kaidoh mumbled something incoherent. Natsuko rolled her eyes and took Momo’s arm. “Come through to the kitchen -- I mean you too, Kaoru-chan. I see Hayashi-kun's already supplied you with alcohol.”

Momo looked down at his beer can. “I haven’t drunk it yet.”

“I can see that.” Natsuko sounded amused. “You shouldn’t, either. How old are you? Fourteen?”


“You are not!” came Kaidoh’s scandalised voice.

“Nearly,” amended Momo. “But I’m thirteen at the moment.”

“I wasn’t much older when I had my first beer.” Natsuko deposited Momo on a cushion and gestured for Kaidoh to take the one beside him. “I hope you’ll enjoy the full experience -- the room spinning, falling over your own feet, vomiting in your bed tomorrow morning. It’s very nice, I highly recommend it.”

“Er, thanks.” Momo looked down at his own beer, no longer entirely certain that he wanted it. But Kaidoh had defiantly cracked his open and swallowed half in one gulp, and Momo wasn’t going to let the snake show him up.

The beer didn’t taste as good as he’d expected it to, but otherwise nothing bad happened. Momo relaxed and smiled up at Natsuko. She was really pretty when she wasn’t scowling, although if she was anything like Kaidoh that would be never.

“So, Kaoru-chan.” Natsuko lounged back on her own cushion. “Where’s Yumi-chan? Didn’t your mother tell you to pick her up?”

Kaidoh crumpled his already-empty can in one fist. “I did. She’s probably off making out with some dumb high-schooler already.”

Momo felt a dart of disappointment at Kaidoh’s news. He wouldn’t have minded making out with Yumi himself. In fact, it had been at the back of his mind ever since he met her. Then again, Momo didn’t want to have his first kiss in a house that had Kaidoh in it. His presence would totally ruin the experience, even if he were in another room.

“Yumi-chan --” Natsuko turned to Momo and playfully nudged him with her foot “-- is an old friend of our family. She and Kaoru-chan used to play naked together in a pool in the garden. We have some really sweet pictures of them. Would you like to see?”

“Hell yes!” Momo sat up straight. He’d do anything for that level of blackmail potential. Kaidoh remained absolutely still, but with the same tranquillity as a ticking hand grenade.

“I’ll go fetch them. Help yourselves to another beer while you’re at it.” Natsuko sent them a smile like the flash of a knife and slipped out.

Momo finished the last of his beer and burped in satisfaction. “Get me another beer, Kaoru-chan.”

“Like hell I will,” snarled Kaidoh. He jumped up and pushed past the people loitering around the table. When he returned his arms were full of beer cans. It looked like Kaidoh had picked one of every brand available, which was good -- Momo was keen to see if beer tasted any better with a different label.

With extreme care, Kaidoh sat down and placed all the beer cans in the space between his legs. When Momo tried to reach over his knee to get one, Kaidoh slapped his wrist. He was surprisingly vicious.

“That’s not very nice, Kaoru-chan,” complained Momo. “I’ll tell Natsuko-san on you.”

“Good,” was Kaidoh’s unsatisfactory reply.

He yanked open another beer and drank it in three gulps, before tossing the empty can with unerring accuracy at Momo’s head. If Momo hadn’t had the reflexes of a panther Kaidoh would have got him in the eye. As it was, the can grazed his ear.

Deciding that distraction was the better route to success, Momo shuffled a bit closer to Kaidoh and said confidingly, “So, Kaoru-chan, what’s the deal with you and Yumi-san? Is she your girlfriend?”

“Don’t be disgusting.” Kaidoh’s voice was muffled by the rim of another can. “And I told you not to call me that.”

“I think she’s hot,” reflected Momo. “Don’t you?”

Kaidoh put down his third empty can with a loud clunk. “No. What are you even doing here? You weren’t invited.”

“I took Echizen’s invitation,” replied Momo blithely.

“Figures.” Kaidoh brushed his hair out of his eyes in an impatient gesture. Momo was feeling a bit strange. He watched Kaidoh’s fingers, the nails all blunt and ragged, jerk off the tab of his new can. Kaidoh’s teeth were bared in effort.

Momo tried a new tack. “Please can I have a beer?”

“There’s a table full of beer over there,” Kaidoh pointed out.

“Yeah, but I’m lazy.” Quick as a flash, Momo slid his hand under Kaidoh’s bent knee and closed his fingers around a can. Unfortunately, that was when Kaidoh’s leg crashed down on top of his wrist, trapping him.

“Get off!” Momo fruitlessly tried to extricate his hand, but Kaidoh’s leg was far too heavy. It felt like a block of concrete. A huge, hot block of concrete.

“Teach you to steal my beers,” said Kaidoh.

“Bastard.” Momo’s hand was beginning to hurt now. He lay down a bit so that it wasn’t at such a sharp angle, but this meant that his head was effectively in Kaidoh’s lap. “Bastard.”

“And to call me Kaoru-chan,” added Kaidoh. “I never said you could call me that.”

“Fine, I’ll stop.” Momo wrenched at his hand, Kaidoh’s knee digging into his face.

“It’s not like we’re friends,” Kaidoh went on, and Momo wondered if it was just the pain or if Kaidoh really did sound bitter. “It’s not like you notice me except when Tezuka-buchou forces you to play doubles with me. So you can’t call me Kaoru-chan.”

“You can call me Momo-chan!”

“So? You let everyone call you that. You let the ballboys call you that. It’s not special.” Kaidoh was looking very flushed now, which didn’t surprise Momo. Six beers in under ten minutes would do that to anyone.

“Yeah, but …” Momo gave up trying to tug his hand free. He’d be better off calling a karate black-belt to come and split Kaidoh’s leg in half first. “What does it matter anyway? You hate me. You hate everyone. You’re Mamushi.”

“I don’t hate yo -- I don’t hate everyone.” Kaidoh crushed a can with more than usual violence. “You’re just stupid.”

“Jerk.” Momo rolled around a bit, making himself comfortable in Kaidoh’s lap. He felt he might as well, because Kaidoh didn’t seem inclined to release him anytime in the next century. He found the point where his arm was bent at the least painful angle, which unfortunately was the same point at which his head was stabbing into Kaidoh’s stomach. He ignored Kaidoh’s gasps of rage.

“Get off me!”

“You’re letting me go?”


“Then how?” Momo tilted his head so that he was looking up at Kaidoh. Up his nostrils, in fact. They were pretty clean. “I’m staying put till you move, Kaoru-chan.”

“Shut up! Stop saying that!”

“Make me.” Momo smirked challengingly.

On the floor near Momo’s elbow, Kaidoh’s fingers curled into a tight knot of tendons. “Fine.”

Momo didn’t have much of a chance to worry about the threat in Kaidoh’s voice. In the time it took for him to finish a beer, Kaidoh’s other leg bent up and his body curled around Momo’s. His face was at right angles to Momo’s, but Momo wasn’t thinking about maths at that moment because of how he could feel Kaidoh’s breath on his face. It smelled of hops.

“What are you --” began Momo, which was a bad move because Kaidoh’s eyes narrowed.

And then he put his mouth on Momo’s, sliding a bit because the angle was all wrong. His lips were beer-damp as they clung to Momo’s mouth. Soft, too.

For a moment Kaidoh was deadly still, breathing Momo in. His breath made Momo’s lips tingle. Then, like a striking snake, Kaidoh’s tongue touched Momo’s lower lip. Momo felt his chest heave and he opened his mouth to gasp, but got Kaidoh’s tongue instead of air. He couldn’t catch his breath at all, but Kaidoh -- who was never out of breath -- was panting. His tongue brushed Momo’s teeth and slipped further in to meet the edge of Momo's tongue.

At that point, Momo realised that the weight had lifted on his hand. Kaidoh’s whole body had moved so that he could so that he could kiss Momo, because that’s what they were doing.


Most people Momo knew said that first kisses were usually terrible. The only terrible thing about this one was that it was with Kaidoh. Kaidoh, who had backed off as Momo slipped his hand free and was looking down at him with flushed cheeks and red lips and the start of a scowl.

He hadn’t been scowling when he kissed Momo.

Momo shook his hand to get rid of the cramp. Kaidoh sucked in his lower lip. Any minute now he was going to do that Emperor of Rage thing. Without really thinking about it -- but thinking a lot about Kaidoh’s tongue, which he wanted back in his mouth -- Momo curved his hand up and on to the back of Kaidoh’s neck. He pressed down, feeling the taut muscles resisting the touch but not letting go.

Momo arched up this time so that their lips were exactly aligned as they rubbed together, a little bit wetter than before. He held on to Kaidoh’s knee for support as Kaidoh pressed his tongue deeper into his mouth. The snake had obviously done this before. He still shuddered when Momo licked out with his own tongue, though.

Momo hoped that meant he liked it, because it would be terrible if he liked kissing Kaidoh better than Kaidoh liked kissing him.

“Well, well, well.” The hard edge of a shoe bumped Momo’s ankle. Momo jerked, inadvertently dragging his mouth off Kaidoh’s. “I have the photographs, but I’m thinking I should have brought a camera instead.”

“Piss off, Natsuko-chan,” said Kaidoh thickly. “We’re busy.”

“I can see that.” Natsuko grinned widely. She didn’t look at all cute from the floor, and her nostrils weren’t half as nice as Kaidoh’s. “If I’d known, I’d have taken you to a bedroom. Then again, I never thought Kaoru-chan would actually do it.”

Momo craned his neck to see the beer cans. They were rolling everywhere. One had made it as far as the fridge. “Oh, he did,” he told Natsuko. “About six, I think. Maybe seven.”

“What are you talking about, Momoshiro-kun?” snapped Natsuko.

“The beer,” said Momo, confused. “Aren’t you?”

“Oh, dear,” sighed Natsuko. “Where on earth did you find him, Kaoru-chan? A mental home?”

“Go. Away,” Kaidoh ground out.

“I’m going.” Natsuko shoved a photo album under her arm. “I'll keep this for later -- in case you two get tired of making out.”

“Who’d ever get tired of making out?” scoffed Momo. Then he remembered who he was talking to.

“Actually, my back’s a bit sore,” mumbled Kaidoh. His face was bright red.

Momo hoped that all this thinking Kaidoh was cute stuff could be blamed on the beer.

“Mine is, too,” admitted Momo.

They both sat up and shuffled their backs to the kitchen cabinets. Awkward silence reigned. Momo wasn’t sure how to go about getting Kaidoh to kiss him again -- was he supposed to flutter his eyelashes or something?

“Here,” said Kaidoh roughly. Momo felt a cold patch on his lap, and looked down to see that Kaidoh had dropped a beer can there.

“Thanks.” Momo paused. “Kaoru-chan.”

His leg lolled against Kaidoh’s thigh as he took a sip of beer, still contemplating his next move. He’d only got as far as dismissing the eyelash bit as stupid when Kaidoh gently tugged the beer away.

“Do you really think Yumi-chan is hot?” he asked, his voice quiet.

“Sure,” said Momo artlessly. “Hey, can we start making out again?”

“Do you want to?”

“Do you want to?”

“I asked you first!”

“Yeah, but I was thinking about it first,” argued Momo. “I just couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do.”

“Oh.” Kaidoh was silent for a bit. “Maybe this?”

His hand was cold from the ice on the cans and his expression was serious. Just before he leaned in to kiss Kaidoh, Momo grinned. Kaidoh was way more into it than Momo. Momo won.

Then Kaidoh’s tongue unfurled against Momo’s lower lip and heat suffused his skin.

Well, maybe Momo could settle for a tie.

Tags: but my thoughts on yaoi, prince of tennis fic
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